My Lover, My Darkness
by KittenCeez
Summary: Shuichi was given something that Yuki thought he would never ever even know about let alone see and now he knows Yuki's biggest secret. Somehow, Yuki has to pick up all the pieces.
1. Chapter 1

Mine

My Lover, My Darkness

Summary: Shuichi was given something that Yuki thought he would never ever even know about let alone see and now he knows Yuki's biggest secret. Somehow, Yuki has to pick up all the pieces.

Disclaimer: I own no rights to anything Gravitation, though I wish I did. But I just have to live with my ever increasing Gravitation collection.

Rating: M

A/N: Based on the Gravitation Megamix Panda. I believe I have covered enough in the body of the story for you if you have not read it, but still go and find and read it. Outside of the typical Maki-sama Megamix content (which serves as a warning to minors), it gives a deeper insight into Yuki's past and his trauma.

--

Chapter 1

Something was terribly wrong with Shuichi and it had Hiro worried.

They had finished their recent tour of Japan and Shuichi had not taken the next available mode of transport back home to Yuki. Instead, he had decided to stay with the band for the three days they had allocated to relax in Hiroshima.

If that had not gotten Hiro's alarm bells clanging, Shuichi's behaviour most certainly did. Shuichi was acting his usual bubbly, psychotic self but it was obvious to Hiro that he was really putting effort into it. Nevertheless, when Hiro confronted Shuichi about why he was upset, Shuichi brushed him off with a 'nothing', a fake smile and forced a happy bounce in his step to try to throw Hiro off.

"I wish I knew what was wrong with him," Hiro sighed to Suguru.

Suguru just shrugged, "Perhaps Yuki-san has a deadline and told Shindou-san to stay here for the next few days."

Hiro just looked down at the shorter Bad Luck member, "Do you not think we would have had Shuichi whining and crying about it?"

Suguru considered this and nodded a little, "A distinct possibility…who knows, Shindou-san has been like this before, he will get over it eventually."

Hiro was not convinced and so he took it upon himself to keep an eye on his best friend.

Shuichi had joined them for dinner that evening but was rather subdued only randomly joining in with the conversations instead of being at the centre of them. Hiro watched carefully as emotions of love, hurt, anger and unshed tears and desperation ran wild in Shuichi's eyes every time someone mentioned his lover's name. What startled him the most was the utter fury that blazed in his eyes as he stared through his food whenever their Sacho's name was mentioned.

Shuichi finished his meal before everyone else, although he left most of it and excused himself to his hotel room completely forgetting his upcoming dessert, which had to be a first for all the time Hiro had known him. The sweet-toothed hyper never skipped on dessert even if he had eaten enough to fill a horse.

Hiro called after him and made to follow but K stopped him, "Let him go Hiro, I will talk to him later on."

Hiro sighed and sat down to quickly finish his meal intent on speaking to Shuichi before K did. Hiro also skipped on his dessert.

Suguru just hung his head as the two extra desserts appeared before him courtesy of K's directions.

K just laughed, "Our youngest member of the group is still growing and needs to feed those growing bones!" K continued to laugh loudly in his typical strange fashion.

Suguru continued to hang his head as his eye twitched, "I am 20 already K-san…an adult…" He sighed heavily and silently cursed Hiro for leaving him here.

--

Hiro looked at the 'Do Not Disturb' sign hanging off the room's door handle, took a deep breath and knocked on the door, "Shuichi?"

When he received no answer, Hiro knocked again, louder, "Shuichi…it is Hiro…come on, open up."

Hiro waited a few seconds before he tried the door finding it unlocked, 'Shuichi! What are you doing!?'

He walked in to the darkened room, closing the door and locking it behind him, "Shuichi! What do you think you are doing leaving the door unlocked, man! Any one could have walked in here; crazed fans, blackmailers, axe-wielding murderers…K would blow your brains out if he knew you left the door unlocked…"

"It would be a relief at this point."

Hiro blinked at the remark, "Huh? Shuichi?"

Hiro walked over to the other side of the bed and found Shuichi sitting on the floor leaning against the bed and staring out the window. The curtains were drawn back and the moon shone over the room illuminating the empty bottles of alcohol that were from the mini-bar. One of the bottles was broken and Shuichi never drank alone.

"What…Shuichi…" Hiro sat next to his best friend, "Shuichi, what is wrong? Please tell me."

Tears began to fall down Shuichi's face. "I do not want to tell you what is wrong, Hiro."

Hiro just looked at his miserable friend, "I um…okay. Do you want me to do something…anything?"

"Will you hold me Hiro?" Shuichi asked quietly as he continued to stare out the window.

Hiro nodded and took hold of Shuichi as he had asked. Shuichi was silent for a few minutes before he started sobbing violently. Shuichi continued to sob with his head buried in Hiro's chest until his tears had soaked through to Hiro's singlet.

When Shuichi's sobbing had stopped the guitarist realised it was only because he had passed out. Whether it was from crying so much or from the alcohol in his system was anyone's guess, but most likely a combination of both.

Hiro sat Shuichi up so he would not slump to the ground and stood, stretching and popping a few stiff joints from sitting on the ground for so long. He shifted his wet shirt so it sat properly and pulled the bed covers down. After removing Shuichi's boots and socks, Hiro took his jumper and t-shirt off leaving him in a singlet and his shorts. Hiro scooped him up and placed him on the bed pulling the covers over his sleeping friend.

Hiro flicked a lamp on and quickly tidied up the room, picking up the empty little bottles and wrappers. He placed a glass of water and headache tablets on the bedside table for Shuichi when he woke. He drew the curtains closed, flicked off the light and slipped out of the room taking Shuichi's spare room key with him. Hiro took a deep breath and leaned against the door he had just closed.

Suguru was walking up to his room when he spotted Hiro, "Oh Nakano-san. Is Shindou-san alright?"

Hiro looked at Suguru, clearly stressing, "No, he is not. I do not know what has happened, he will not tell me, but whatever it is, it has hurt him bad. He is completely messed up, I have never seen him this upset and Shuichi has never not told me everything in the sharpest detail. Sometimes I wonder if I know more about his sex life than his lover does!"

Suguru was taken aback, "What do you think has caused it?"

"I honestly do not know. I have been watching him during the day though and at dinner, every time Yuki-san's name was mentioned he would get upset or angry," Hiro explained.

Suguru thought for a moment, "Surely they have not…broken up again, have they?"

Hiro shook his head, "That cannot be it; Shuichi would have told me if it were. That is not all though, whenever Seguchi-san's name was mentioned he would get this furious look in his eyes. Something is going on behind the scenes and he is really struggling with it. This really pisses me off!"

Suguru sighed, "It is certainly the Company's worst kept secret that my cousin does not like Shindou-san."

Hiro started walking towards his room, "I do not care if Seguchi-san does not like Shuichi. If Yuki-san loves him, that is all that matters. I wish Seguchi-san would stop interfering with their relationship. For crying out loud, they have been together for well over three years now. Is it so much to ask to just let them be happy?" he growled.

Suguru nodded, "I do agree with you Nakano-san; after they have still stayed together through my cousin's efforts to break them up before, anyone would have thought Eiri-san and Shindou-san would be left to themselves."

Hiro stood by his door, "It frustrates the hell out of me. Shuichi is my best friend and I hate the fact that he has been through so much in that relationship already. Why does he have to keep fighting your cousin, who is Yuki-san's brother-in-law I might add? Yuki-san has already confessed that he loves Shuichi, though not in so many words, but still."

Suguru had always admired the friendship Hiro held with Shuichi and nodded, "You are a good friend to Shindou-san and I agree this does get annoying Nakano-san, for all of us. When Shindou-san is having problems with Eiri-san, it affects the entire band. However, we are only speculating and that is all we can do if Shindou-san will not speak about his problems."

Hiro just groaned and let his head fall back against the door.

Suguru looked up at him with a small sympathetic smile, "Do not let it worry you Nakano-san, when he is ready Shindou-san will talk to you, he usually does."

Hiro nodded and turned his head to see K about to open Shuichi's door, "He is asleep."

K looked to Hiro and Suguru, "Oh?" he walked up to them, "Do you know what is wrong?"

Hiro took a deep breath and told K about Shuichi's behaviour and his observations. K zoned out to his own thoughts for a moment before coming back out of them, "Look, so long as we all watch out for Shuichi and we are there for him when he needs us, everything will come out alright."

Hiro rolled his eyes, "That is what everyone says each time those two are placed on rocks. How much more do you think either of them will be able to take before they snap? Although from here it looks like Shuichi has already snapped!"

Hiro was met with silence, "I am going to bed."

--

The next morning they were surprised to find that Shuichi had already checked out of the hotel.

An apprehensive Hiro finally agreed with K and Suguru that the depressed singer had come to his senses and gone back home to his lover, although, something still was not sitting right with him about Shuichi. Something was viciously off about the whole situation and Hiro was aching to know what was going on with his best friend.

--

What is wrong with poor our Shu-chan?

This fic will be about five chapters long, maybe an epilogue…

The next chapter will be up soon.

Make sure you leave a review!

Thank you for reading and see you next chapter!

KittenCeez!

Xxx


	2. Chapter 2

My Lover, My Darkness

Summary: Shuichi was given something Yuki thought he would never ever even know about let alone see and now Yuki has to pick up all the pieces.

Disclaimer: I own no rights to anything Gravitation, though I wish I did. But I just have to live with my ever increasing Gravitation collection.

Rating: M

A/N: Based on the Gravitation Megamix Panda. I believe I have covered enough in the body of the story for you if you have not read it, but still go and find and read it. It gives a deeper look into Yuki's past and his trauma.

Hello!!!

Thank you so much for your kind reviews!

I hope I haven't kept you waiting too long!

Please leave a review at the end of this chapter!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 2

Bad Luck, minus its lead singer, was glad to be home. As relaxing and enjoyable as the tour and well-earned break had been, they were still concerned for Shuichi. For him to detach himself from the group as he had, i.e. without a single word or note, was completely out of character for the young man.

The group stepped off the train, grabbed their personal belongings and started for the car park. They were surprised to find Seguchi Tohma there waiting for them.

Tohma gave them his usual smile, "Welcome back. I am pleased to hear the tour was a success."

Sakano bowed enthusiastically, "Ah! Thank you Sacho!"

They were even more surprised to find Yuki Eiri standing behind Tohma.

Yuki looked around the group but could not find his pink haired lover. Yuki was surprised, and a little rejected, to find that Shuichi had not taken the next train home the moment he walked off the stage for the final time of the tour. He would never admit it to anyone but he was a little concerned that Shuichi had not arrived home yet and had come to meet him.

"Oi, where is Shuichi?" Yuki asked Hiro.

Hiro looked around the group at Suguru and K, who were equally stunned at the novelist's question.

"Well?" Yuki asked impatiently.

Hiro looked at Yuki, "We thought he already came home…"

Yuki gave Hiro quite the look, "What?"

Hiro continued, "He checked out of the hotel yesterday afternoon while we were down at the theatre."

Yuki took a moment to register that no one knew where his Shuichi was and was therefore missing. He pulled his mobile out dialling Shuichi's number. No answer.

"So he has not come back home?" asked Hiro.

Yuki glared as he redialled Shuichi's number, "Would I be here looking for him if he had?" he growled. Again no answer, 'Damn it Shu-chan, where are you?'

Hiro tried to bite his tongue but he could not hold back at the novelist's outburst, "Look Yuki-san. We are all worried about Shuichi right now considering his behaviour over the last couple of days!"

Yuki raised an eyebrow, 'Behaviour?' he though to himself.

Hiro continued, "What I want to know is what the hell you have done to him this time!"

Yuki stood up straight and glowered at Hiro's accusation, "Excuse me…?"

Hiro pressed on, "Well? I have never seen Shuichi so upset like this, so whatever you did to him it is obviously pretty bad!"

Yuki glared darkly at Hiro, "What the fuck are you talking about!? I have not seen or heard from Shuichi in three days and last time I did speak to him everything was fine, in fact more than fine," he added, suppressing a blush as he recalled their graphic telephone conversation.

Hiro calmed himself down and stepped to the side of the group with Yuki, "So what has gotten him so upset? I mean he was literally sobbing his heart out." Hiro stepped further away from the group with Yuki and told him about how Shuichi had been acting, how he had almost stopped eating and how he had found Shuichi drinking on his own and had refused to tell him anything.

Yuki had no idea what had occurred and now his concern was evident in his stance as he again tried Shuichi's mobile and again there was no answer. Yuki tried his apartment phone wondering if Shuichi had magically arrived home while he was at the train station but he only got his answering machine. Hiro and K were here which cancelled out their residences. Hell, he even tried his sister's place but she didn't know anything. Yuki sighed, frustrated, "Damn it! Where the hell is that brat?"

"Have you tried his parents?" Hiro asked.

Yuki looked up, "No, what is their number?"

Hiro pulled out his mobile and read the number to Yuki. Yuki waited impatiently for the phone to be answered, which was by Shuichi's sister, "It is Eiri, is Shuichi there?"

It took a moment for Maiko to get over her shock that she was speaking to THE Yuki Eiri, despite the fact that he had been with her brother for three years and was practically a brother-in-law, "Uh…hi…oh! Shuichi! Right! Yeah he is here; he came home the other day, but he is hell moody, no idea what is wrong with him; he even yelled at okaa-chan…Hey when is your next book-"

Yuki sighed relieved and hung up on Maiko's babbling making for his car without a word to anyone. At least he knew where Shuichi was, however what was wrong still had the novelist wracking his brain to figure out.

"Eiri-san," called Tohma, but he was ignored as Yuki jumped into his car and drove off.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yuki pulled up outside the Shindou residence, stepped out of his car and disposed of his cigarette. He briskly walked up to the door and rang the doorbell.

Shuichi's mother answered the door and was rather surprised to see the novelist standing on her doorstep. She now treated him like any other member of the family. Shindou-san had, unlike her daughter, gotten over her infatuation with the blond after the third time he had been commandeered into dinner with Shuichi's family resulting in them spending the night. He will never forget the look on Maiko's face when she walked into the quiet bathroom to brush her teeth and found them in a heated embrace.

"Eiri-san! Please come in," Shindou-san showed him in.

"I am looking for Shuichi; I was told he came back here after the tour finished."

Shindou-san smiled, "Yes he did! It was nice to see Shuichi again. We did not get to see him after his performance here, which was a shame. He performed wonderfully too. I remember all those times I yelled at him to get off that damn keyboard and study and now look at him-" She was cut off by her daughter bouncing into the room.

"Hi Yuki-san! Hey, why did you hang up on me before?" Maiko asked lively, "I was asking you about your next book."

Yuki swallowed, "I was driving, had to hang up." He flashed her one of his brilliant smiles and Maiko accepted the lie without further question. "Is Shuichi around?"

Shindou-san shook her head, "I am sorry Eiri-san but he went out about three hours ago now. Would you like some tea while you wait for him?"

Yuki nodded and followed her into the kitchen, "Thank you."

"Are you aware of how Shuichi has been lately?" she asked him.

Yuki looked at her as he took a place at the kitchen table, "Only parts of it. I have no idea what has upset him. It had to have happened on tour a couple of days ago but even Nakano does not know."

Shindou-san prepared the tea, "I see…I do have to say I have never seen my son quite like this before."

Yuki sighed, "I am hearing that a lot."

Shindou-san placed Yuki's teacup in front of him, "Oh? Maiko-chan, would you go up to your room please?"

Maiko took her adoring eyes off Yuki, pouted at her mother and took her tea upstairs to her room.

Shindou-san's pleasant smiled held firm until she heard her daughter close her bedroom door. Her smile faltered and she took a deep sigh, "You did not go with him on this tour, did you?" she asked Yuki.

Yuki shook his head, "No, my deadline was too close to the end of it. By the time I was finished with that and met up with them, they would have been on their way home. We agreed that I would use the extra time Shuichi was away to start my next novel. Now I wish I had gone to him," he told her honestly. Anxiety was starting to build up in the pit of his stomach when memories of Shuichi's rape surfaced, 'I hope nothing bad happened Shu-chan.'

"Thank you for caring about Shuichi. I am very concerned about him; he has hardly eaten, he has barely said a word since he came home, he has kept to himself in his bedroom, which he has completely trashed!" She said with a scowl towards the mess, "He snapped at me and ran out of the house yesterday evening when I pressed him into talking to me. I did not think I pushed him that hard…and he did not come back until 3am this morning," Shindou-san said, "He used to tell me everything, whether I wanted to know or not, and now I cannot get a word out of him."

The more Yuki heard about Shuichi's behaviour, the more worried he became and having to wait around for Shuichi to come back before he could find out what was going on was frustrating the hell out of him, "Do you have any idea when he will get home?"

Shindou-san shook her head, "None what so ever."

Yuki silently drank his tea while asking Buddha to bring Shuichi back sooner rather than later; he was more than itching to speak with his pink haired lover.

The silence was broken five minutes later with the swinging open of the front door, the slamming of the front door, a cry of 'Ahh! Oni-chan look out' followed by a smash, stomping footsteps and the slamming of an upstairs door.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shuichi was hurting and he was hurting bad.

He was walking along his family street coming back from a long run. He had not known where he was running to but he just ran and ran and ran and when he finally stopped, he had found himself three districts away. He slapped himself on his forehead when he realised he had not brought his wallet and therefore didn't have any money for a bus fare back home.

Shuichi glanced at his watch and started walking back towards his parent's house. His old room had been changed to a tearoom, to a library, a sewing room, back to a tea room, a storage room, a second study and back to a spare bedroom in order to accommodate all of Shuichi's memorabilia as there was no room to store it at his and Yuki's apartment.

Shuichi refused to touch his phone, much less look at it, and had left it in his room. He knew Yuki had been calling him repeatedly for some hours, which was why he started running in the first place. Shuichi could not bring himself to speak to his lover; the pain was just too much.

On the final day of Bad Luck's tour, a small package had arrived at the hotel for Shuichi while he was rehearsing and completing a sound check for the final concert held later that night.

After the concert, Shuichi was high on life and the adrenaline buzz of his performance. He loved wowing his crowd…that and he could now go home to Yuki. He had spoken to Yuki earlier that day and had enjoyed quite the 'conversation' with his lover over the phone, another reason he had been so high on life. However, what he would not have given to be with Yuki right then and there. The anticipation of walking in their apartment door and directly into Yuki's arms sent tingles all over his skin. That small, hour long episode of phone sex sure as hell was not enough to sate his need for Yuki after being away from him for over a month now; in fact it only increased it.

When he finally made it back to the hotel to begin packing, Shuichi investigated the package that had been waiting for him. Before getting his suitcases out, he collapsed on the bed and opened it. A video tape fell out on to his lap that had the title 'Cool Beauty'. Shuichi put the tape in the VCR hitting play.

Shuichi couldn't move as he sat crumpled on the floor of his hotel room as footage was displayed on the screen of Seguchi Tohma and Uesugi Tatsuha using Yuki's, Shuichi gasped, _willing_ body over and over and over again until Yuki kept passing out. Like a train wreck, he could not turn away and every moan and every cry stabbed at Shuichi's heart like a red-hot knife but nothing else in that video made his heart completely shatter when he heard Yuki use the title 'Sensei'. Yuki only referred to one person with that title and he was dead - Kitazawa Yuki.

Shuichi cried as his mutinous eyes refused to look away from the images of Tohma and Tatsuha taking his…_his_ lover's body again and again drawing out cries and moans and reactions that only Shuichi was supposed to elicit from Yuki. He continued to cry through the film as he realised Yuki was sleeping with Tohma and Tatsuha blindly as all he was seeing was his dead Sensei.

Shuichi felt sick and could feel his stomach churning but the shock at the look of exhausted satisfaction on Yuki's face as he fell into oblivion was what had Shuichi shakily running for the bathroom. Spluttering and coughing, Shuichi violently heaved up the contents of his stomach until he could taste the foul bitterness of bile but his body would not stop. The sickening images of that tape played repeatedly in his mind. Shuichi could not stop crying adding to his inability to stop his body throwing up bile. He continued to throw up until he collapsed on the floor, feeling as if he would choke on his own breath as his throat and chest were burning.

Shuichi just laid there, tears silently falling from his eyes until they were blood shot and stinging. Weakly dragging himself to his hands and knees Shuichi reached up to flush the toilet and crawled to the shower. He didn't even remember undressing himself as he sat curled into a ball in the corner of the shower with the water constantly beating down on him.

His mind was blank and his head was pounding when he got out of the shower. He left his hair to drip onto his shoulders and pulled a towel around his waist as he slowly brushed his teeth. The hit of the mint flavour was strong against his abused throat and it almost made him gag. By the time Shuichi had finished brushing his teeth the foul taste of bile was gone, but the burning down his throat had not. He took a small drink of cold water before stumbling to the bed and passing out, his body too exhausted to do anything else.

When Shuichi woke, it was to find K nudging him awake, "Yo! Shuichi, wake up."

Shuichi groaned groggily and almost cried out when his headache returned full force. Quietly he responded, "What is it K?"

"I thought you were heading back to Tokyo last night?"

Shuichi nearly growled at the thought of going back there. He could not go back. Not yet. He was not ready to face Yuki after what he had done. Shuichi thought for a moment, "I was too tired to go back last night," he lied. Shuichi's tongue felt heavy as he forced out Yuki's name cheerfully, "And besides, Yuki's working at the moment, I might as well stay here for the next couple of days."

K seemed to accept that, "Sounds good Shuichi! I will book another seat on this afternoon's mini-tour-"

Shuichi impatiently cut him off, "Do whatever…just let me go back to sleep now."

Hiro was also standing in the room behind K, but Shuichi had not seen him. Hiro raised his eyebrows at Shuichi's tone of voice with their manager but still dragged K out of the room so Shuichi could go back to sleep.

Before their mini-bus was due to depart the hotel, Shuichi grumpily got himself ready and threw down a couple of headache tablets hoping to calm his headache, and therefore himself, down just a little. All he wanted to do was go back upstairs and crawl back into the bed; socialising was not on the top of his 'to do' list today. However, tearing apart the entire building in a fit of rage with his bare hands was not far from the top of that list. He had stopped crying about that tape and now he was downright pissed.

Shuichi sat staring out the window of his passenger seat as the bus headed down to the Hiroshima Peace Memorial Park half listening to K babble on. K had decided that it would be nice for the band to take the mini-tour to Hiroshima's ground zero. He believed that while it was nice for them to do 'Band Stuff' together it would also be beneficial for the all-Japanese band with the American manager to publicly promote that they are interested in their histories. The fact that one Claude 'K' Winchester was obsessively interested in guns and warfare and engaged in his own warfare for the 'protection' of the band had absolutely nothing to do with it. Never mind that all three of the band members had been to the Memorial Park during one school year or another. It was safer to one's health to just let K go and have his fun.

Hiro was sitting behind Shuichi and sat forward to lean on the back of his seat, "Hey Shuichi," he muttered quietly, "What's up? You do not seem yourself today."

Shuichi kept his arms folded and slightly turned his head to look at his best friend, "Nothing Hiro, I am just still wrecked from last night's show…and I have a mean headache…and the headache tablets I took are not helping."

"Oh. Really? I have got some on me if you want some more?"

Shuichi nodded and Hiro got out two tablets for him. Shuichi gratefully took them and downed them with some water, "Thanks Hiro."

Hiro held up a peace sign to Shuichi and leaned back in his seat again. Yes, he had seen straight through Shuichi's lie and the lie this morning. He was not best friends with the singer for no reason now.

Shuichi was not sure if Hiro had picked his effort to brush him off but would not put it passed him and when Hiro remained closer than usual to the singer, he knew Hiro was concerned for him. As they stood by the memorial Shuichi zoned out for a moment thanking the heavens for a friend who cared and looked out for him like Hiro did, but at the same time wondering if he could confide in Hiro this time. He doubted he could. Hiro and Yuki never really got along and Shuichi could not imagine what would happen to either of them if Hiro found out Yuki had cheated on him with Tohma. He had lied to himself; he could imagine it. Hiro would go after Yuki and end up hospitalised by Yuki in self-defence. Tohma would step in and it would be the end of Bad Luck and certainly a situation that Shuichi did not want to happen. No, he could not confide in Hiro, at least not until he had spoken to Yuki himself, but who knew when he would be ready to do that.

Shuichi was brought out of his thoughts by Suguru who was pointing at the memorial, "Hey Shindou-san…did you have relatives killed in the bombing?"

K stopped and looked at Shuichi and then to where Suguru was pointing before back at Shuichi.

Shuichi nodded, "Yep, my grandfather's brother's family actually, but they still shared our family name. My grandparents had moved to the outskirts of Tokyo before my father was born, so they did not see much of that side of the family. My grandfather died when I was really young so I do not remember him and according to the stories my father used to tell, his father took it pretty badly that his brother had been killed."

Suguru looked back at the memorial, "Wow…it is humbling to think of how people's families were affected by the bombing. Our family completely avoided any illness being no where near the blast areas and radiation zones."

K had a subdued look on his face as if he were sorry for what had happened.

Shuichi raised his eyebrow, "Oi, K! There is no need to look sorry for what happened. Neither of us was alive when this happened. It is nice to remember the past for what it was but it is not nice to dwell on it."

Suguru looked at Shuichi with new eyes. Just when he had the hyperactive and sometimes 'blonde' singer figured out, he came out with something so philosophical. K flashed a smile at Shuichi and carried on with the band following him.

Shuichi could not eat his dinner. He was not hungry. True he had completely emptied his stomach the night before and had not eaten all day, but he still was not hungry. He forced half his pasta dish down his throat to keep face before the conversation made him lose his appetite completely. He could now manage to hear his lover's name, although it saddened him to do so and speak it when asked about him, except when Tohma's name was brought up in the conversation. Shuichi listed to the conversation about NG and after the second time that name was spoken, Shuichi could not take any more. He excused himself from the table and left quickly not stopping when Hiro called after him.

Shuichi stormed into his hotel room and threw his key card on the table. He stood in the middle of the room for a moment and then snapped, "FUCK! Shit! DAMN IT!" he screamed and kicked at the bed until it had shifted from its grooves in the carpet. After his exertion, his stomach reminded him that he did not have enough food in his body for the energy he was using.

"Shut the fuck up!" Shuichi yelled down at his stomach, "Damn it!" He stormed over to the mini-bar and ripped out the chocolate bar. As he was about to slam the fridge door closed, the chinking of glass interrupted him. Shuichi stopped and looked at what had caused the noise. He found the bottles of alcohol being a number of differing beers, a mini champagne bottle and several tiny bottles of popular spirits. He spent not five seconds looking at them when he reached in and began pulling them out. Shuichi was not a regular drinker and needless to say he never drank alone. This was partially because he could not really handle too much drink.

When Shuichi went out clubbing, Hiro would go with him and while his best friend did get to enjoy a couple of drinks, he was mainly there to keep an eye on Shuichi, probably the one thing Yuki ever liked Hiro for. Every now and again Yuki would show up with his pink haired lover mainly to keep an eye on everyone else. It was an interesting cycle and one that Hiro enjoyed very much. Shuichi often went out clubbing and after a while, his outfits would get skimpier and a little more revealing. By the time Shuichi was down to short shorts and a mesh top, Yuki would appear at Shuichi's side effectively keeping any wondering hands from his lover's body and Shuichi would turn up for work on the Monday morning with an obvious limp in his step. The next time Shuichi had gone clubbing it was clear that Yuki had had some say about his outfit as Shuichi was back to leather pants and an undone shirt over a fancy new singlet top and the cycle would repeat itself.

One time Shuichi had tried to break the cycle and much to Hiro's amusement, it backfired. Shuichi had caught onto the fact that the only time he could drag Yuki out clubbing with him was when he was dressed in, well, not much at all. So after Yuki had possessively accompanied him one weekend, Shuichi tried it the following weekend, which consequently was a weekend before Yuki had a deadline. Well Yuki came to the club…about half an hour after Shuichi and Hiro had arrived. He did not look too happy either. Shuichi had the short shorts going with just an undone small white shirt on his upper half. Yuki came storming into the club, fitted Shuichi's neck with a spiked collar, attached a chain and led the embarrassed Shuichi back out of the club. He had been banished to the couch for three nights for dressing like he was out to get laid twice in a row and also for disturbing Yuki's writing.

Shuichi had sat himself on the floor leaning against the bed and was quickly going through the beer bottles through his fond memories of his times out with Yuki. The television was entirely unappealing mostly because _that _was still in the VCR. Shuichi cringed, "How the fuck does Eiri drink this shit all the time?" he asked to no one as the bitter taste of the beer hit the back of his throat.

Shuichi finally reacknowledged his grumbling stomach and started on the chocolate bar after he had finished the last beer bottle. Shuichi cracked open the mini champagne bottle and just drank it like a soft drink, washing the chocolate down with it. After he had finished blindly drinking the champagne, a familiar warm feeling made Shuichi burst into tears as more memories came through his alcohol-induced haze.

On a particularly cold winter's evening, the building's heating broke down on the top three floors. Yuki and Shuichi had an apartment on the third floor down. After loudly yelling down the phone at the building's owner, Yuki was finally told that some rats had chewed through the electrical wiring that connected the three top floors with the heating system mainframe. Yuki was also told that the system could not be rewired until the next morning. He had also run out of cigarettes, as he used them as a heating replacement, forgetting he was on his last packet until morning. There had been a road weather alert for ice and it was too cold to go to the convenience store by foot.

Shuichi had thrown another jumper on and had wrapped himself in a blanket on the couch. He held a cup of hot chocolate in his hands as Yuki paced angrily in front of him grumbling about the heating system, the rats, the owner, the repair workers and their company, running out of cigarettes and finally the cold weather itself. This time Yuki was not nearing a deadline but had been on a roll of chapters, until the cold had finally seeped into his hands and began to make typing uncomfortable, and if you have ever tried typing while wearing gloves, you would know the task to be quite tedious.

Shuichi had finished his hot chocolate and placed his mug on the coffee table. Yuki was still pacing and grumbling and Shuichi leaned back against the couch listening to his lover's ranting. Yuki had finished his tirade with a declaration that they were going to find another apartment. Yuki stood in the middle of the floor, his arms folded with the foulest scowl he could come up with and Shuichi watched as Yuki's hands subconsciously rubbed his forearms indicating that he was feeling the chill on the air.

Shuichi smirked and unwrapped the blanket from tight around him. "Eiri," he called out softly.

Yuki sharply looked down at Shuichi, "What?" he barked. He desperately needed a cigarette.

Shuichi held open the blanket and beckoned Yuki over to him with a finger.

Yuki waited for a moment before plopping himself down next to Shuichi keeping his arms folded while Shuichi curled up against him with his head on the fold of his arm and pulled the blanket over them. After a few silent minutes, Yuki's frustration subsided and he shifted his arms around Shuichi pulling him into his lap.

Shuichi was much like a happy feline curled up on her owner's lap getting the pat of her life, except Shuichi didn't purr like a cat…unless on certain private occasions.

"I love you Eiri."

Yuki, although his heart absolutely sang every time Shuichi told him that he loved him, stuck to his general demeanour and grumbled, "I want your body heat…it is keeping me warm."

Shuichi gasped, "Yuki!"

"What? It is cold if you have not noticed," Yuki remarked.

Shuichi scoffed, "Yes I have noticed Yuki, and not just the weather either!"

Yuki smirked inwardly, 'Ooh, clever comeback.' Perhaps he was finally starting to learn Shuichi something.

Shuichi poked him in the chest, "You are supposed to say 'I love you' back!"

Yuki smirked a little, "Alright…I love your back."

Shuichi started to smile joyously before Yuki's sentence registered, "What?" Then it dawned on him, "Yuki!"

Yuki loved it when he had Shuichi bristled enough to slip into calling him 'Yuki', made the kid just that much cuter. Yuki shrugged, "Well it is the truth. Could you really ask for any more than that?"

Shuichi huffed and folded his arms against Yuki's chest looking in any direction other than at Yuki.

Yuki gave Shuichi a wicked smile as he leaned into kiss Shuichi's cheek and then moved to kiss under Shuichi's ear, "You know," he whispered huskily, "I really love that hole that is at the very end of that back…"

Shuichi blushed violently as Yuki's hand moved to demonstrate the exact spot Yuki was talking about, moaning as Yuki slowly massaged his rear leaving his middle finger rubbing against Shuichi's entrance through his clothes.

That night Yuki found a better way of keeping warm than artificial heating, this method involving chocolate and champagne in very intimate ways. Shuichi thought he had died and gone to heaven when Yuki did nothing more than sensuously make love to him. When Yuki came to his climax, Shuichi had shed a few happy tears as Yuki, in his most raw and open form, told him that he loved him.

Now those tears were raining down Shuichi's cheeks in torrents. THAT was when Yuki was supposed to be exhausted and satisfied - after he had made love with Shuichi! NOT after he had let his _brother_ and his _brother-in-law_ use his body over and over again. In another fit of rage Shuichi kicked out at one of the empty bottles and sent it skidding along the carpet until it broke against the doorframe of the balcony.

Shuichi downed the tiny bottles of spirits in no more than three minutes not caring that his stomach was trying to reject it. He dropped the last little bottle and let it roll along the floor to click against a different bottle and he cried.

His tears had dried up when he heard Hiro at his door. He wondered how long it would be before Hiro would try to enter. Shuichi continued to stare out the window as Hiro entered the unlocked room and lectured him about leaving his door unlocked.

"Shuichi! What do you think you are doing leaving the door unlocked! Any one could have walked in here; crazed fans, blackmailers, axe-wielding murderers…K would blow your brains out if he knew you left the door unlocked…"

Shuichi sighed and quietly remarked, "It would be a relief at this point." It was true too. With all the turmoil, emotions, thoughts, and images whirling around his head, a bullet to his brain would bring silent relief.

Shuichi heard Hiro come around the bed from the door, "Huh? Shuichi? What…Shuichi…" He knew Hiro was looking at the mess.

Shuichi continued to stare out the window as Hiro took in the mess around him and sat next to him, "Shuichi, what is wrong? Please tell me."

Shuichi had already resolved not to confide in Hiro and tears began to fall down Shuichi's face, "I do not want to tell you what is wrong, Hiro."

"I um…okay. Do you want me to do something…anything?"

"Will you hold me Hiro?" Shuichi asked quietly as he continued to stare out the window. He could not hold back the onset of more tears as Hiro did as he had asked him. Shuichi was so grateful of Hiro just comforting him without pushing him for reasons and answers and it made him cry even harder. Simple comfort; the one thing Shuichi desperately needed right now.

When Shuichi had woken up, he found he was only in his shorts and singlet top and was in bed. He could not remember getting there. Shuichi slowly sat up in the bed and looked around the room. Hiro had cleaned up his mess, even the broken bottle, and had placed headache tablets and a glass of water on the bedside table for him. Shuichi could feel his headache waking up and took three tablets in order to stem it from growing too painful too quickly. The mix of the number of tablets and alcohol still in his stomach sent him stumbling to the bathroom to throw up again and this time, it hurt his body more than just the burn of actually being sick.

Shuichi lay back down and rested for a few long moments before getting himself out of bed and into a soothing shower. After Shuichi had gotten himself dressed, he suddenly became extremely restless and panicky. Shuichi could not tolerate being around here any more and began frantically packing his suitcases not forgetting to viciously shove _that_ in his suitcases somewhere. Shuichi was not quite so out of sorts as to leave _that_ there for anyone to find.

The moment Shuichi was completely packed he heaved his cases down to the reception desk and checked out, paying for his mini-bar and expenses costs. The accommodation came out of the tour budget. One of the porters helped Shuichi carry his heavy luggage out to the hotel lobby and into a waiting taxi that Shuichi had asked the receptionist to book to take him to the train station. Once at the train station Shuichi boarded a train to his hometown where his family lived.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the very tired Shuichi finally rounded the last corner to the house, he stopped and just stared at the car parked out the front. That was Yuki's car. That meant Yuki was here and meant Shuichi would have to face his lover.

Shuichi considered running off again but knew the idiocy of such an act. Everything that he needed was in the house and was the reason he decided to come back in the first place; his wallet, his cards, his money and his keys. All of that and he felt like he was about to collapse from exhaustion. Shuichi still did not regard his mobile phone as a necessity yet. Shuichi put his head in his hand and groaned, "Aw fuck!"

Shuichi continued his approach to the house and stopped as he looked into Yuki's car, more specifically at the steering wheel and he was reminded of Yuki's hands. Shuichi's heart clenched at how much he missed Yuki, how much he yearned to be with him but then he was flooded with why he was not with Yuki right now. The anger continued to build up to boiling point until he was seething.

Shuichi angrily flew into the house, slamming the front door and barging up the stairs, not stopping to apologise to Maiko for knocking into her. When he got to his room, Shuichi slammed the door loud enough to make the window shudder.

--------

Oh dear…Poor Shu-chan!

Will he ever cut a break from his yoyo relationship?

Until next time!

KittenCeez!

xxx


	3. Chapter 3

My Lover, My Darkness

Summary: Shuichi was given something Yuki thought he would never ever even know about let alone see and now Yuki has to pick up all the pieces.

Disclaimer: I own no rights to anything Gravitation, though I wish I did. But I just have to live with my ever increasing Gravitation collection.

Rating: M

A/N: Based on the Gravitation Megamix Panda. I believe I have covered enough in the body of the story for you if you have not read it, but still go and find and read it. It gives a deeper look into Yuki's past and his trauma.

A/N 2: Sorry for the delay my readers! Thank you for your reviews and I hope I haven't made you wait too long! If you want to find out where my story statuses are at, check my profile out, I try to update my statuses as often as I can, that way you too know what's going on basically! ~KittenCeez!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 3

Yuki and Shuichi's mother hurried out of the kitchen and found Maiko picking up broken pieces of porcelain.

"Excuse me please," Yuki said and stepped over Maiko quickly making his way upstairs.

Shuichi was pacing frantically. Yuki would have found out he was home with his whirlwind entrance. He did not want to see Yuki! At all! Shuichi forced himself to stop and think, "Come on, Shuichi! Focus…wallet, just grab that and go!"

Shuichi looked around his room for a moment before remembering his wallet was downstairs on the hall cabinet by the door. He heard footsteps coming up the stairs and his mind started to blur until he saw his bedroom window. He made a dash for it, wrenching it open and climbing out with well-practised ease (his mother didn't think he was a teenaged delinquent for nothing). Shuichi was about to swing off the veranda roof when he saw a flash of blonde in his window.

Yuki hurried upstairs and to Shuichi's room. Stepping inside, Yuki took in the mess; papers were everywhere, his Nittle Grasper video collection was overturned, the bed sheets were all over the floor and instead of Shuichi unpacking his suitcases, the contents were simply spilling out of them. Shuichi was nowhere to be found in the room and Yuki noticed the window wide open. He hurried over to the window to see Shuichi grab onto the edging of the veranda to swing down to the ground.

"Shuichi!"

Shuichi doubled his pace and hauled open the front door, coming face to face with his shocked mother and sister. Hurried footsteps came down the stairs and Shuichi dove for his wallet, turning on heal and sprinting out of the house.

Yuki made it to the last stair to see Shuichi's back heading for the front gate.

"What the hell?" he gave a perplexed look to Shuichi's mother before taking off after Shuichi.

Shindou-san grabbed her keys and handbag and ushered Maiko out of the door, "I…we have some shopping to do. Come along Maiko-chan." She had Maiko deposit the broken cup in the rubbish bin outside.

Maiko dropped the pieces in the rubbish bin as she was asked and stopped, "But Okaa-chan, don't you want to know what is wrong with Oni-chan?"

Shindou-san smiled, "Of course I do," she hoped in the car with Maiko doing the same, "But Eiri-san is Shuichi's partner. He is the person who should find out first."

"Oh, I see," Maiko nodded as her mother pulled out of the driveway.

They drove passed Yuki trying to stop their struggling family member from running down the street. Shindou-san sighed disappointedly, asking herself, 'What has happened to them this time?'

Yuki bypassed the front gate and scaled the short wall framing the property, his longer stride helping him to catch up to Shuichi before his lover made it to the end of the block. He grabbed onto Shuichi's shoulders and forced him to stop running, "Shuichi, stop! Stop!"

Shuichi tried to struggle out of Yuki's grip, "Let go of me!"

Yuki was starting to become upset, he had never seen Shuichi like this and the worry was getting to him, "Not until you tell me what is going on."

Shuichi's eyes focused on something unseen, refusing to look in the direction of his lover, heaving his breath through gritted teeth. After a moment, a look of misery rippled across Shuichi's face and his entire body just slumped.

Yuki's worry spiked to unheard of levels at the depressed gaze in Shuichi's eyes. Swallowing the lump forming in his throat, Yuki gently led Shuichi back to the house.

Shuichi let Yuki lead him back upstairs to his bedroom and as Yuki let go of his shoulders to turn and close the door, Shuichi went over to his writing desk and slumped into the chair with his head buried in his arms, suddenly sobbing violently.

Yuki quickly closed the door and rushed through the mess over to Shuichi, taking him in his arms, "Shuichi! Please tell me what is wrong!"

Shuichi started crying harder and Yuki was not prepared for his question, "Why are you here?!"

Yuki was taken aback and pulled away from Shuichi slightly to look at him, "Shuichi, of course I would come looking for you if I found out something was wrong!"

"Bullshit!" Shuichi looked up at Yuki no longer crying but visibly seething.

Yuki stood up and took a step back staring down at his enraged lover, "What?"

"I said bullshit!"

Yuki brought his fingers to his temples, "I know what you said! I want to know why you think I am bullshitting you! Damn it Shuichi! When you did not step off that train this morning, and knowing that you were not at home, what do you think I would have done? When you did not answer your fucking phone, I called you enough times, how did you think I was feeling? I did not know where the fuck you were or if something had happened to you! And now that you just tried to take off…"

"Don't you dare act like you care about me! How long have you been lying to me Eiri? Huh?" Shuichi continued to yell.

Yuki came out of his stupor and glared back at Shuichi, "What the fuck are you talking about Shuichi? Where the hell has this come from?"

Shuichi jumped up with enough force to knock the desk chair back several paces and against the wall, "You fucking bastard!" He picked up an empty glass that was on the table and threw it at the wall above his Nittle Grasper videos sending a shower of glass over the shelving and dishevelled tapes, "_You cheated on me_!" he screamed, rage and anguish laced in his voice.

Yuki reflexively lifted his arm to shield his eyes as the glass smashed. Yuki's eyes widened, "Excuse me? When the fuck did I cheat on you?!"

This time it was Shuichi's turn to step back from his lover, "You…you _liar_…you don't even have the…spine to admit it?"

Yuki's eyes had hardened considerably and he was glowering at Shuichi dangerously, "I have not cheated on you!"

Shuichi growled and grabbed the television remote, which Yuki had not even spotted in the mess, and turned it on, "Well what the fuck is _that_ then?"

Yuki stood still as the television showed footage of Tohma and Tatsuha hammering into him hard. Yuki's blood ran cold and his face paled as he backed away until he was up against Shuichi's bedroom door. Shuichi stood there glaring at him while his own moans and pleasured cries filled the room and pounded into his head.

Yuki turned away and put his hand up towards the television, "Turn…turn it off!"

"Why Yuki? This is not even the best part! But I am having trouble deciding which part I do like the best!" Shuichi's anger and sarcasm were throbbing in his words as he turned the television off, "The part where you are actually _satisfied _during this or the part where you begged for more from _Kitazawa-san_!" Shuichi threw the remote in the general direction of the floor not noticing it break and the batteries spill out over the floor. "I am still just a stand-in for that man, aren't I, Yuki? _You have lied to me all this time_!"

Yuki's breaths were coming in short, shallow wheezes and he brought his hand over his mouth as he started to cry, "No…I…sorry Shuichi…"

Shuichi held his hands out to the side of him as he shrugged his shoulders, "You are sorry? Sorry about what? That you actually did this?" He started approaching Yuki, who was hunched up against the door. "Or are you sorry that I found out? That I now know your little secret that my dominant partner likes it so much up his own ass! That I have found out that I am still not enough for you?" Shuichi shrieked.

Yuki could not look at Shuichi's face.

Shuichi continued yelling, however his voice was beginning to crack, "Fuck Eiri! I have given you everything I have and put up with some serious shit from you! How the fuck could you do this to me…with _them_?! It would have hurt less if you had done it with a total fucking stranger!"

Yuki sucked in a choked breath as his tears continued to fall.

"Damn it Eiri! Why didn't you come to me if you needed it that badly? You are _my_ lover! Not theirs!" Shuichi had tears running down his face as he weakly beat at Yuki's chest, "You are mine!" Shuichi stopped hitting at Yuki and gripped on to Yuki's shirt, "Why didn't you come to me? How can my love still not be enough?" Shuichi continued to bawl his eyes out as he slid to the floor at Yuki's feet, his hands sliding down Yuki's clothes to grip onto the material at the knees of Yuki's pants, "You told me you loved me…"

Yuki slid down the door until he was sitting by Shuichi's crumpled and weeping form. He grabbed at Shuichi and pulled Shuichi to him, "I am sorry Shuichi…I do love you…" He clutched Shuichi tightly as his lover continued to cry and buried his head in Shuichi's shoulder, sobbing.

After some time had passed Yuki lifted his face from Shuichi's tear soaked shoulder to find Shuichi staring at nothing, though Shuichi still had not relinquished his vice-like grip on his clothes. Yuki lifted Shuichi's head so he could look at him. Shuichi's eyes were red, puffy and so dull that Yuki thought he was looking in someone else's eyes. He could see the fatigue etched across Shuichi's face and that his lover had lost weight. He could see Shuichi's cheekbones more than usual and feel Shuichi's hip and shoulder bones as he hugged his lover to him.

Yuki picked Shuichi up and carried him over to the bed, placing him down on it to rest. He picked up the strewn sheets and blanket, and gently placed them over Shuichi's body before climbing onto the bed and holding Shuichi to him. "Get some sleep. I will be here when you wake up and we will talk more about this then." Yuki leaned in slowly and tentatively kissed Shuichi on his dry lips. The kiss was not responded to, nor did Yuki expect it to be, but it was not rejected either. Yuki continued to hold Shuichi until he was certain Shuichi was in a deep sleep.

Yuki stood up, took a deep breath and rubbed at his eyes that were feeling the aftermath of his own release of emotion. While Shuichi slept Yuki went about reorganising the bombed out room as quietly as he could. It was a small task compared to the explaining he had to prepare before Shuichi woke. Shuichi now knew his darkest secret; one that he never wanted Shuichi to find out about and Yuki was really frightened that he would not be able to take Shuichi back home this time.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Shuichi woke up, he actually felt better; it was overwhelming to know that even though he did not want to see his lover, in his lover's presence was the only time he could rest. As his eyes came into focus, he did not recognise his room. The place was spotless. Everything had been tidied and cleaned up. Even his suitcases had been repacked for him. He looked up and found Yuki sitting on his desk chair by the open window. Shuichi could see that the sun had set outside, a heavy dusk remaining across the sky. Yuki was watching out the window and had a cigarette between his lips.

Shuichi sat up in the bed and hugged his legs, the movement alerting Yuki that he was awake. Yuki flicked his cigarette out of the window and came up to the bed, "I thought you were never going to wake up." Yuki gingerly sat on the bed near Shuichi, "Are you feeling any better?"

Shuichi shrugged and muttered, "Better than I have done, I guess."

Yuki nodded, "That is good…Look, Shuichi, I…"

Shuichi grimaced, still groggy from his sleep and put his hand up to stop Yuki, "Eiri, right now I do not want to hear your explanation, not yet. First thing's first let me get over you cheating on me."

Yuki closed his eyes for a moment before putting his hand on Shuichi's knee, "Shuichi…I do not want to lose you over this. Without you…there is nothing in my life."

Shuichi sighed and placed his hand on Yuki's, "Eiri, I love you, I always have and knowing me I always will. I cannot stop loving you or love you any less. Just, answer me this one question for now."

Yuki nodded.

Shuichi looked directly at him, "When did this happen?"

Yuki swallowed, "I had a moment of writer's block less than a week before the deadline."

Shuichi studied Yuki's face for a moment before he let relief flood through his body. In a quiet whisper, he thanked his gods. Shuichi made to stand up from the bed. Once he stood, he popped a few joints and stretched his weak limbs.

Yuki looked up at him as he made for the bedroom door, "Where are you going?"

Shuichi raised his eyebrow slightly and looked down at Yuki, "Just to the bathroom."

"Oh, right," Yuki shook his head faintly at his own paranoia before looking back to Shuichi, "Why did you ask me that?"

Shuichi stopped as he opened the door enough to pass through, "Because if this had been after your deadline, when you were free to come to me, I do not think I would have been able to stay with you, no matter how much I love you," Shuichi answered honestly. He waited a moment before continuing to the bathroom.

Yuki sat still on the bed stunned by Shuichi's confession and just how close he had come to losing the only person he loves. After Yuki was able to somewhat rejoice at the reality that he was not going to lose his precious Shuichi, he turned his thoughts to how Shuichi had gotten that tape; that tape that nearly cost him everything. Seguchi Tohma. There was no other person on this planet capable of this. Yuki knew his brother would not dare cross him this way. Oh, he was going to have words with Tohma, and fists…and kicks…hell weaponry if it came to that!

Shuichi returned to his bedroom after brushing his teeth and washing his face to find Yuki sitting tensely on his bed with a murderous glower in his eyes as he glared through the window with enough force to melt it. He put his hand on Yuki's shoulder, "Eiri?"

Yuki was jarred out of his mental negotiations of the demise of his brother-in-law when Shuichi's hand touched his shoulder, "Huh? Oh, sorry Shuichi…"

Shuichi raised his eyebrow, "What is with that look? You look like you are about to execute someone."

Yuki coughed at Shuichi's innocent banter at his past and pulled Shuichi down to perch on his knee, "Not far from it actually."

Shuichi shifted so he sat on one of Yuki's legs, "Oh?"

"Who do you think sent you that tape?" Yuki surmised, "What the hell did he think he was playing at! Seguchi nearly cost us our relationship and threw my trust in him out the window!" Yuki took in Shuichi's expression, "Yes I know; we can argue about the fact that there should not have been anything to film in the first place later, but you said you did not want to discuss that yet."

Shuichi kissed Yuki's cheek, "I know I did, but do not think you will ever get out of doing so."

Yuki groaned, "Does that prick even know what position he has put me in?"

Shuichi put his arms around Yuki's shoulder and held him. Shuichi was also aware that if Tohma and Eiri did confront each other about this (especially in the methods that Yuki was viciously considering) it could leak out to his sister's ears and cause a break down in their marriage, which would fall back onto Yuki's father and the entire family. All hell would break loose if the media ever found out. Shuichi also knew that this ran deeper than just having sex with Seguchi and Tatsuha for the fun of it, as Yuki had been calling for his dead sensei. Shuichi wished that the dead man did not have such a strong hold on Yuki and ached for the day Yuki could let go of his past.

After a moment Shuichi looked to his repacked suitcases, "So I take it I am coming home with you tonight?"

Yuki looked up, "I had hoped so."

Shuichi smiled softly and nodded lightly leaning in to rest his forehead against Yuki's, "Please Eiri, never do this again, I will not be able to take any more."

Yuki took hold of Shuichi's cheek and he brought Shuichi to him for a bruising kiss. Shuichi was quick to respond this time letting Yuki make his promise with his kiss. The romance novelist was never really one to use words in his own life. Shuichi shifted so that he straddled Yuki's legs in order to kiss him more deeply.

Yuki's kiss was washing Shuichi's anger and sadness at the man away, allowing Yuki to take back what was infinitely his; Shuichi. Why Shuichi loved him so much to forgive him every time he ripped his heart out Yuki will never know, he just knew that he did love him. Yuki gripped onto Shuichi tightly and broke the kiss, "Shuichi…I am never letting you go…"

Shuichi pulled back a little and Yuki could see love poking through his lover's purple eyes again, "As tempting as that is, that will make going home a bit difficult though," Shuichi giggled.

Yuki fought the urge to roll his eyes at Shuichi and pinch his backside, "Are you ready to go home?"

Shuichi nodded and climbed off Yuki's lap making his way over to his suitcases. He and Yuki heaved his cases down the stairs and Shuichi plopped his down at the front door. His mother was waiting for him and she came towards him as he approached her. Shuichi hugged her, "I am sorry I snapped at you yesterday Okaa-chan."

His mother returned the hug, "That is alright. Is everything okay, Shu-chan?" she asked as Shuichi pulled away, glancing knowingly at Yuki for a moment.

Shuichi smiled lightly and nodded, "It will be."

"You are heading back home now?"

Shuichi nodded and stood with Yuki when he came back inside from loading the luggage in the car, "Yeah. Thank you for letting me stay, despite my attitude."

"Oh Shuichi, don't be ridiculous! You will always have a room to stay here in when you need it. Now you two have a safe trip and call me when you get home," she told him.

Shuichi was sceptical about that; he was expecting his room to become something else in the not-too-distant future. He smiled and waved goodbye to his dad. He would have to call when Maiko was home so he could apologise to her. Yuki put his arm around Shuichi as they walked out of the house and to the car.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was after midnight when Yuki and Shuichi opened the door of the apartment. Shuichi's luggage was left in the passageway, as Shuichi was too tired to shift and unpack them. Because of the hour, Shuichi only sent his mother a text message to tell her that they had arrived safely. Yuki tiredly dropped his keys on the side table and out of habit led Shuichi to their bedroom.

The moment Shuichi saw the bed he knew he would not be sleeping in it that night, "Uh Eiri…I…I think I will sleep on the couch tonight…I am sorry but I just…"

Yuki looked between the bed and Shuichi and saw the look on Shuichi's face. He knew instantly that Shuichi would not be able to share that bed with him tonight. As much as he would have preferred to be able to hold Shuichi tonight, he nodded in understanding, "If that is what you need to do then alright."

Shuichi smiled gratefully and nodded before quickly getting himself and the couch ready. He had gotten the couch set up and changed into his pj's when he went into the bathroom and started brushing his teeth.

Yuki was sitting up in bed reading when he heard the sound of brushing. Lowering his book he looked to the bathroom, "You are brushing your teeth again?" The brushing paused and he heard Shuichi spit.

"Habit," came from the bathroom before the brushing resumed.

Yuki went back to his book and after a few minutes Shuichi came out of the bathroom. He grabbed a spare pillow from the wardrobe and bid Yuki goodnight before heading into the other room.

Yuki hadn't been reading for five minutes before Shuichi came back into the room with the pillow, agitatedly got into bed and turned his back on his lover when he laid down to sleep.

Yuki turned his page, "I thought you were going to sleep on the couch…"

"I was," Shuichi mumbled, "I forgot how uncomfortable it was."

"Ah," replied Yuki. He put his book down and took his glasses off flicking out the light, "Goodnight."

"Hn," grumbled Shuichi, "We are getting a new bed…tomorrow," he declared.

Yuki had settled down to sleep and he twisted his body to look at Shuichi, "What? Why?"

Shuichi sighed, a 'duh' aura surrounding him, "Because I refuse to sleep in this bed tomorrow night!"

Yuki took a deep breath, "I will replace the mattress for you but not the frame…you were there when we got it and saw how much it cost."

"Fine…and you are going to get rid of that sheet set too."

Yuki's eyebrow was starting to twitch, 'That is a $500 silk set…'

"Or the next time I see it I will burn it."

Yuki just sighed.

"And so are those clothes you were wearing…"

'This is going too far,' thought Yuki, "Shuichi…" Yuki said in a warning tone.

"Yuki…" challenged Shuichi in the same warning tone.

Yuki settled back down in the bed, "Fine! Just go to sleep, baka."

Shuichi elbowed Yuki, "Do not call me baka!"

Yuki opened his eyes, "Did you just elbow me?" he asked incredulously.

Shuichi was perfectly straightforward with him, "Yes!"

Yuki glared, "Do you want to end up on that uncomfortable couch?"

Shuichi tapped his fingers on the bed next to him before grabbing his pillow and hitting Yuki with it, "You are not kicking me out of here tonight Eiri!"

Yuki took a moment to blink and pushed Shuichi's pillow away from him. Yuki threw the covers off him enough to remove them partially from Shuichi's body as well. Yuki pounced on Shuichi and spent a few moments manoeuvring himself between Shuichi's legs, grabbing hold of his flailing arms and pinning them by Shuichi's sides. Shuichi glared heatedly up at Yuki before he suddenly hoisted his body up to crash his lips against Yuki's.

Shuichi pulled back and gasped in a deep, shocked breath as Yuki's hardened member thrust up against his entrance, "Gya!" Shuichi's eyes rolled into the back of his head as he bucked his hips in response.

Yuki and Shuichi intermittently kissed with bruising force, teeth scraping at each other's mouth and lips, as their clothing were quickly removed. Yuki hastily grabbed the lube off the bedside table and wasted no time in beginning to prepare Shuichi. Shuichi arched off the bed as Yuki entered two fingers into him, scissoring his insides and brushing against his prostate.

"Ah! Yuki! Enough…take me now…please!"

Yuki had been too long without his incredible lover to keep preparing him any further and satisfied Shuichi's begging. Yuki grabbed Shuichi's hips, certain there would be bruises there the next morning and hastily entered his lover's body.

Shuichi cried out at the sudden, but pleasant, intrusion. He needed Yuki to take him hard and fast, to possess him. Shuichi had tears pricking the corners of his eyes as he and Yuki grasped onto each other's bodies relentlessly, their fingernails leaving scratches and imprints.

"Harder Yuki! Faster! More…fuck me Eiri!" Shuichi chanted.

Yuki groaned as Shuichi met his fast, hard thrusts with equal fervour and Shuichi reached his hand between their bodies to grasp himself as Yuki urgently delved into his lover over and over again.

Shuichi moaned as lust shuddered through his body. He wrapped his arms and legs around Yuki's waist and shoulders pulling the older man closer to his body, "Eiri…Tell me you still love me!" Shuichi cried.

Yuki was panting heavily as he placed nipping kisses over Shuichi's shoulders and chest, "I never stopped loving you."

Shuichi threw his head back gasping as pleasure-filled sensations swept through him, "Please! Tell me you are still mine!"

Yuki was hammering into Shuichi's prostate making the younger man howl in pleasure. Yuki moaned as Shuichi's tight passage started to clench around him, "I am always yours," he groaned out as he climaxed and started to see stars behind his eyes.

"Ah! EIRI!" Shuichi yelled his lover's name for the heavens to hear as he came to his orgasm hard, intense and fast with Yuki's seed spilling into him.

Yuki tried to fall to Shuichi's side so as not to squash him but Shuichi's tight grip on his body prevented him from doing so. Yuki ended up collapsing on top of Shuichi and so buried his head in Shuichi's shoulder, his body heaving in gasps of breath as he recovered from their hot and demanding session.

Shuichi held his arms loosely around Yuki's shoulders as he lay panting, "Eiri, I missed you so much!"

Yuki had been softly working on a love bite and nodded against Shuichi's skin before he pulled out of his beautiful lover. Yuki grabbed the bedcovers and brought them over his and Shuichi's sweaty bodies. Yuki pulled Shuichi tight into his arms, softly whispering, "I love you, Shuichi," and fell asleep with his head buried in the nape of Shuichi's neck, Shuichi falling into unconsciousness with him.

----------------

Woah! What a crazy chapter! So much happens!

And not to worry, there is more lol, I think I am aiming for 5 chapters, plus an epilogue.

Chapter 4 is written but needs some work and chapter 5 I am still writing. The epilogue was a fic that I had planned entirely separate from this, but I think it will fit very nicely at the end of this piece.

Thank you for reading again!

Please leave a review! I am curious to know what you think may happen and who you think sent Shuichi the tape…

Love to you all!

KittenCeez!

xxx


	4. Chapter 4

My Lover, My Darkness

Summary: Shuichi was given something Yuki thought he would never ever even know about let alone see and now Yuki has to pick up all the pieces.

Disclaimer: I own no rights to anything Gravitation, though I wish I did. But I just have to live with my ever increasing Gravitation collection.

Rating: M

A/N:  
Based on the Gravitation Megamix Panda. I believe I have covered enough in the body of the story for you if you have not read it, but still go and find and read it. It gives a deeper look into Yuki's past and his trauma.

A/N2:

Thank you for your reviews! They are much appreciated and I love them!

I am so very sorry for the unbelievable wait on this. Chapter 5 is causing me some problems, which is why I have been holding on to Chapter 4. But, no longer!

Chapter 3 certainly generated the response I was expecting. It is true that any normal person would not forgive such a thing ever happening, but this is Shuichi we are talking about…he has a habit of forgiving everything Yuki does. From the reader's point of view, it can be upsetting to see Shuichi put himself through all of this, but I find when it is just Shuichi and Yuki on their own, working through their problems together; everything feels right with the world. However, when other people involve themselves, such as Hiro, Tohma, Mika…even Ryuichi…everything goes to pieces and I start to get steamed. I just want to jump in the manga/anime/fics and tell everyone to go away and leave the couple alone in not so nice words, haha!

I think this chapter will answer some questions and create more. I hope you all enjoy it, especially after this ridiculous wait!

* * *

Chapter 4

Yuki woke with Shuichi still curled up in his arms and a firm, cat-like grip on his arms that surrounded Shuichi's body. It was as if they had not shifted at all during the night and it felt like it too. Yuki's muscles were heavy and stiff and he took a moment to stretch his back and legs. He looked over Shuichi and could see the dry track marks along Shuichi's cheeks where his lover had been crying overnight. Yuki was uncertain if Shuichi had been awake or crying in his sleep and a sharp pang drove through his chest. He knew that he was the cause of Shuichi's tears (although, it was rare for him not to be the cause of them) and he pulled Shuichi tighter into his arms, holding his lover to him and eventually falling back to sleep.

Some time later Yuki woke to Shuichi wriggling in his arms. He groaned when he heard the phone ringing and vowed to disconnect the thing, permanently, "Ignore it Shu-chan…It has already rung this morning."

Shuichi kissed Yuki on the cheek, "Well, if it is ringing again, it must be important. Let me up."

Yuki reluctantly let Shuichi out of his grasp so he could reach the telephone. Shuichi finally answered the phone, albeit groggily, "Moshi moshi…oh morning Hiro!"

"Yo Shuichi! I called your parents house earlier to see if you were up for coming into the studio today, but since you are back at home K is already on his way to pick you up. I thought I would give you the heads up," Hiro explained over the phone.

Shuichi yawned, "Yeah, I came back home last night…what time is it…EE-YAH! It is 10:30am!" Then it registered that K was coming to get him, "How long ago did he leave?" Shuichi asked urgently.

"Um, about…five minutes ago. I will catch you when you get here." Hiro then hung up.

Shuichi had hardly put the phone back down before he was up and running for the bathroom, diving into the shower.

'What the hell,' Yuki thought as he dragged himself out of the nice warm bed and threw on his yukata. He leaned on the doorframe of the bathroom while Shuichi speedily showered, "What are you doing?"

Shuichi poked his shampooed head out of the shower door, "K will be here any minute!"

Yuki sighed, "Do you have to go to work today?" Yuki would have preferred to spend the day with Shuichi. He had just gotten him back. They had a lot that they needed to do; buy a new mattress, Yuki now needed some new clothes, the pantry was almost empty, Yuki would not even bother looking in the fridge, and they had a month's worth of intimate bonding to catch up on…and Yuki needed to find some time to talk to Shuichi.

Shuichi had ducked his head back under the water, "If I was not needed K would not be on his way here."

Yuki was still unimpressed, "What the hell is so important that it cannot wait one more day? You have just come back from a tour!"

Shuichi had conditioner in his hair and was scrubbing his body with his favourite soap, "We started putting bits and pieces of a new album together while we had some spare time. Complain to your brother-in-law if you want me to have more time off."

"Oh I will!" vowed Yuki.

Shuichi poked his head out to see his lover leaning against the sink next to the shower with his arms folded and an annoyed scowl on his face. Shuichi smiled, "Hey…"

Yuki looked at Shuichi who leaned forward to kiss him.

"Love you," Shuichi told him and stole another kiss before going back to his shower.

Yuki's annoyance generally dissipated when Shuichi showed him that he loved him. Yuki smirked before taking up his previous scowl and poked his head into Shuichi's shower, also admiring the damage his hands had done to his lover's body the night before. He was certain he had similar scratches and bite marks to show, "Oi! Hurry up and brush your damn teeth! You have morning breath!"

Shuichi turned around to poke his tongue out at Yuki and went back to finishing his shower.

Yuki sighed and headed into the kitchen to begin his morning ritual; coffee, cigarette, food, more coffee, another cigarette, shower, dress, and another cigarette before retreating to the study with a can of beer. It was like clockwork, although when the ritual began depended on when he felt like getting up.

After making his coffee and lighting his cigarette, Yuki began making a basic breakfast of toast and sliced fruits while listening to the music of his lover rushing to get ready. Honestly, it was a comedy-musical in itself. The overture consisted of Shuichi's shower followed by the first act of Shuichi drying his body and running around finding his clothing for the day. The second act followed consisting of a rather hilarious display of Shuichi rushing to get dressed. There was always a drama of losing one item or another, usually a sock and the dance routine with the hopping, stumbling and falling steps. The build up to the grand finale was Shuichi doing his hair. Yuki believed that if he could, he would even pay money to see when Shuichi declared that he was having a 'bad hair day'. The grand finale was when a clean, tidy and fully dressed Shuichi made his entrance into the kitchen to wolf down his breakfast. Shuichi would then make his loud exit from the stage receiving a farewell from his audience member and head off to work. Every now and again, there would be an encore with the little idiot forgetting something.

Yuki had started nibbling on his breakfast when Shuichi made his grand entrance all clean, tidy and fully dressed. Too often this was when the big bad gun-wielding villain of the musical appeared explosively on the stage and literally dragged Shuichi out of the door and today was no different.

Shuichi was about to follow K out of the apartment when Yuki spoke up, "Hold on a moment Winchester."

K let his assault rifle rest on his shoulder as the tall American looked down at Yuki. Shuichi turned to Yuki and looked up at him.

"You still have not eaten anything."

Wanting to avoid a K/Yuki confrontation, Shuichi cut in, "I am okay though, I will get something at the studio, okay?" Shuichi kissed Yuki on the cheek before heading out the door, "I love you Yuki!"

"Hn," Yuki grumbled in reply before adding, "Oi, I will pick you up today. 5pm."

Yuki's reply was a flying Shuichi barrelling into him in a tight glomp, "Yay! Yuki loves me!" Shuichi declared for the neighbours to hear.

Yuki rolled his eyes, "Whatever, just quit it with the mush brat! Now get off!"

Shuichi was pulled off Yuki's body by his manager's strong grip on the back of his clothing. Instantly Shuichi's hysterics began as he cried, "IwannastaywithYuki!" again for the neighbours to hear.

K's grip on the flailing pink-haired idiot did not falter as he held up his assault rifle, "Have you two met?"

Shuichi's wailing and flailing limbs came to a grinding halt and with slumped shoulders, he dragged his feet out of the apartment door. Yuki closed the door and secured the locks, letting a small smile free as he retreated to the quiet of his study intent on doing some writing before he had to go to N-G.

After intermittently typing for a little over an hour, Yuki decided his current novel idea was not going anywhere. All that the budding novelist had managed during Shuichi's days away were twenty pages of random scenes and only two of them he had managed to fit together. Instead of sitting around and glaring at the passages of text in an attempt to coerce the ideas together, Yuki called his editor and, after she had gotten over the shock of _him_ being the one to call _her_, they came up with a plan for Yuki to write several short stories as an alternative.

Yuki was pleased with this suggestion and began editing and rearranging his current work. When Yuki finally sat back from his laptop to stretch and take a break, he found it was already 3:30pm.

"Shit!" Yuki cried to himself and saved his work before rushing into the bathroom to shower and get ready. He was ready to leave twenty minutes later throwing on his sunglasses, picking up his keys and heading out the door.

It seemed the traffic knew he was out to get his brother-in-law as it took Yuki twice as long to get to the N-G building as it normally did. Yuki felt a headache coming on and took a couple of headache tablets before getting out of his car. Yuki sometimes loathed his celebrity status at having his life documented by the media but at times, he loved it. He never had problems getting through the security and reception area of N-G's ground floor and simply walked through as if he owned the place. Upon reaching the top floor, he walked up to Tohma's office, ignored his protesting secretary, threw open the doors and strode into the room, "Seguchi!"

Tohma sat at his desk reading over several band schedules and after jumping a mile high in his chair at the bursting intrusion, looked up in surprise when Yuki exploded into his office with no announcement other than the bellowing of his name. After he had picked up his lost papers and his heart rate had slowed back down, Tohma looked behind Yuki to his apologetically bowing secretary and waved to her that it was all right before she quickly closed his office doors.

"Eiri-san. What are you doing here?" Tohma enquired.

"Give me one damn good reason why I should not rip you apart with my bare hands!" Yuki yelled approaching the desk menacingly.

Tohma blinked, "What in the world are you talking about, Eiri-san?"

Yuki was plainly furious, "Do not give me that shit Seguchi! What the fuck were you thinking when you sent Shuichi that fucking tape?"

Tohma continued to stare at Yuki, still having no idea what the taller man was on about, "Tape? What tape? Eiri-san, I have not sent Shindou-san anything. The closest things to me sending him mail are his payslips and they come from my accounting department. Now please sit down and tell me what has happened."

Yuki did not know what to do with himself. He was so angry, but he knew Seguchi well enough to know when the man was telling the truth and he was definitely telling the truth this time. Yuki silently took a seat in one of the desk chairs, "Shuichi…he…found out."

Tohma started to think what it could have been that Shuichi knew about. He had one idea and hoped he was wrong, "What did he find out about, Eiri-san?"

Yuki continued with his head down, refusing to meet Tohma's piercing gaze, "Someone sent him a copy of the tape you took…last time I called you and Tatsuha…"

Tohma cringed visibly, "I see."

Since the unstable beginnings of Yuki's relationship with Shuichi, Yuki had only called upon Tohma for his help twice whereas before meeting Shuichi, Yuki would slip into that dark, submissive personality on a frequent basis. Tohma would never deny that he had enjoyed these visits, especially since his physical relationship with his wife was never a regular or altering thing. Now that she was surprisingly pregnant, he had taken Yuki's latest slump eagerly and lengthily.

Both of Yuki's slumps had pivoted around Shuichi being away on tour indicating to the veteran synth player that Yuki's mentality was now centred on his younger lover. Tohma loved having Yuki depend on him just that little bit and would admit to being jealous that Shuichi had captured Yuki's heart so deeply and so quickly. Whether Yuki acted like it or not, Shuichi was good for him and Tohma silently respected the kid for it.

Yuki cut Tohma from his thoughts, "So why would Tatsuha do this then? What does he have to gain from this?"

Tohma sat back and thought for a moment, but drawing a blank, "I am sorry, Eiri-san, I cannot answer that one for you." Tohma was starting to inwardly get angry at the younger Uesugi and was going to approach Tatsuha before Yuki did, other wise the kid would not live through their meeting.

Yuki stood up and continued his fitful rage, "This has nearly cost me my relationship! You have no idea how close he was to walking out on me! I would have lost him!"

Tohma looked at Yuki straight in the eye, "However you have not, have you?"

"Thankfully no," Yuki gritted out. He paused for a moment before setting off again, eyes blazing at his way too calm brother-in-law, "Fuck, Seguchi! Do you have any idea what that tape did to him?"

Tohma looked at Yuki assuredly, "I am sure it shocked the life out of him and threw him into a complete tailspin."

Yuki latched on to the back of the chair in front of him in a tight enough grip to rip the upholstery if he had sharp enough nails, "No shit! He has spent the last four days in utter misery, not to mention starving himself, because he thought I had blatantly cheated on him!"

"Well, I am sorry to say, but you have, Eiri-san," Tohma told him outright, "Though not with me or Tatsuha-kun." Tohma spun his desk chair around to stand up and came around the desk to stand before Yuki. Yuki's warning eyes and coiled stance didn't do a thing to stop him putting his hand up to touch Yuki's cheek, "Your eyes did not see either of us that day, but Kitazawa-san."

Yuki took in a shocked breath and was about to vehemently protest when he admitted to himself that Seguchi was right.

Tohma took hold of Yuki's arm and led the novelist over to sit on the couch, propping himself on the coffee table in front of it and took hold of Yuki's hands, "It is time you told Shindou-san everything about your past and Kitazawa-san; let Shuichi be the one to heal you now, completely. That 'eternal, unfulfilled promise' of Kitazawa's you get yourself lost in, lies in the grave with Kitazawa, not in Shuichi's heart."

Yuki had tears in his eyes and he looked away from Tohma, "I never wanted him to know…"

Tohma placed his hand on Yuki's shoulder, "I know, Eiri-san, and we will figure out how this happened and what to do."

Yuki had always been ashamed of his psychological slumps that lead to him using his brother and brother-in-law, calling himself the worst human being and he never wanted Shuichi to ever see him this way; Shuichi had seen enough of his bad sides. Tohma ignored his telephone ringing in the background, having noticed the sounds of a helicopter landing on the roof of the building above him, but too occupied to enquire why.

Yuki wiped at his eyes, "I nearly lost him Seguchi, and not just like one of our arguments, I mean really lost him…and I cannot lose him…"

When the telephone ringing cut off, there was a timid knock on the door. Tohma raised his eyebrow and went to open the door. His secretary stepped in and bowed before himself and Yuki.

"I apologise for the interruption, Seguchi-sama, but you told me to interrupt you with any emergencies."

Tohma mentally kicked himself for ignoring his secretary when she told him it was for an emergency, finally waking up to the fact that a helicopter had landed on his building roof, "I do apologise…what has happened?"

"Shindou-san collapsed during recording and has been taken to St Luke's International Hospital. K-san organised a helicopter to take him."

Not one second later than she had finished her sentence, Yuki was already out the door.

Yuki was about to give up on the elevator and make for the steps when Tohma caught up with him, "You are coming, are you?"

Tohma stepped into the elevator and nodded as he slipped his suit jacket on, "Of course."

Yuki tapped his foot impatiently as the elevator took them down to the ground floor. A poor, unsuspecting sole was blasted for also trying to use the same elevator, "TAKE THE NEXT ONE DAMMIT!"

Tohma made a mental note to apologise to that employee later.

Yuki and Tohma made their way through the gathered employees on the ground floor that had stopped to chat about Shuichi's grand exit. Hiro, Suguru and K were about to walk out the main doors when they caught up with them.

Yuki called out to Hiro, "Oi! Nakano! What the hell happened?"

Hiro stopped his frantic digging for his keys to his motorcycle and turned around to speak to the novelist, "Hey Yuki-san. We do not know what was wrong with him; one minute he was belting out tunes and rocking around in the recording booth, the next he was passed out on the floor. But the mike stand fell with him and it folded, part of it stabbed his side…the ambulance officers said it only…where the hell are my keys? …went in about an inch so there should not be any major damage…" Hiro was about to tip his bag contents on the concrete floor when he finally heard the jingle of his keys.

Suguru was looking a little pale and Sakano was doing what he did best: running around panicking. K put his hand on the boy's shoulder, "It is not your fault…really. You had no way of knowing."

Suguru gave K an incredulous look as he felt rather than saw Yuki's eyes boring holes into his person right now.

Yuki stared down at the young boy, "Come again?"

Suguru stood up a little straighter and turned to face one irate Yuki, "We all skipped lunch today. We had all been too immersed in the tracks we were working on to notice the time, and Shuichi had been more energetic than I have ever seen him in the recording booth. I said to him 'for once you might run out of energy' and fifteen minutes later he was lying on the ground!" Suguru had become hysterical towards the end of his speech. Superstitious and supernatural happenings always freaked him out.

Yuki got the picture as to what had happened with Shuichi, "So he has not eaten…all day?"

Hiro shook his head, "Nope, neither of us have."

Yuki flicked the ash off his cigarette before swinging around and punching K square on the cheekbone, "I told you this morning that he had not eaten yet! Did either of you notice how thin he has become since your tour ended?"

Tohma grabbed hold of Yuki's arm before it swung into K's face again, "Eiri-san! Stop this! Shindou-san will most likely be in the Hospital by now…we should get moving…"

Hiro had a very strong hold of K's arms to keep the keen gunman from retaliating. Now that he had been alerted to it, he woke up to the fact that Shuichi did seem thinner than normal and further realised something else, "Yuki-san, when you say he has not eaten, has he eaten at all since he left us in Hiroshima?"

Yuki shrugged Tohma off him, "Apparently not."

Hiro was shocked and let it show on his face, "That was like…two days ago! And even then he had not eaten much!"

Yuki was really gagging to let all his pent up anger out at someone and K was good enough. However, he receded and followed Tohma to his parked car. Tohma tried to convince Yuki to let him drive instead but was given a "Drop dead," as Yuki got into his driver's seat; no one drives Yuki's car but Yuki. Tohma sighed and hopped in the passenger seat, telling Yuki to keep calm and drive safely. He was certain Shuichi did not want his partner lying in a hospital bed next to him.

During the drive, Yuki addressed Tohma, keeping his eyes on the road, "Look…Shuichi is really cut up right now…he was not exactly happy to see me yesterday, I do not know how he will react when he sees you."

Tohma nodded, "I understand, Eiri-san."

Yuki took Tohma's earlier words and used them well; they got there safely enough, though not as much could be said about the car of the 'lane-hogging moron of a bastard whore' who tried to cut Yuki off in his efforts to get to Shuichi. That driver mysteriously lost control and ended up driving off the road into a ditch. Yuki rushed through the hospital grounds to the emergency ward. He fidgeted impatiently while waiting in line to enquire about Shuichi's whereabouts as Tohma would not let him go look for Shuichi himself. When his turn finally came, the clerk, who instantly recognised them, instructed Yuki that Shuichi had been admitted and were given the floor and ward to find him on.

Yuki rushed off to the elevators at the main entrance with Tohma following behind him. They walked up to the nurse's station were greeted by a young male nurse.

"I am here to see Shindou Shuichi," Yuki told him.

The nurse looked up at Yuki before asking, "Can I have your name and relation to Shindou-san? Only relatives are allowed to see him."

Yuki just blinked, about to snap at the kid before the intern behind the young nurse interrupted him.

"What planet have you been living on? This is Yuki Eiri and Seguchi Tohma," she scolded with a smile before calmly writing down Yuki and Tohma's details and handed them their security passes for Shuichi's room. Absolutely no recognition had passed over this kid's face as the intern gave their names and Yuki agreed that this kid had not been living on planet Earth.

The nurse tried to disguise his impatient sigh as he went to do a round of the ward. The intern sniggered, "That nurse has only been out of Medical School for three months, he tries really hard but needs to learn some people skills. Anyway, Dr Nishimura is looking after Shindou-san. His side wound has only just been cleaned up and stitched under general anaesthetic so he should still be under. The doctors got to him quickly. Thankfully, there was minimal damage so the procedure was quite quick. Shindou-san was still asleep when I checked on him ten minutes ago, but I can page the Doctor for you now, if you would like."

Yuki shook his head, just wanting to go to Shuichi's room, "Not right now, thank you. I just want to see him."

The intern smiled and gave them the number and directions to Shuichi's room. At least the security guard posted near the door recognised him. Yuki was not prepared for the sight that greeted him as he opened the door.

Shuichi was lying on his back with tubes and wires coming from his body. A drip had been placed in his left arm and an oxygen mask rested on the bed next to him, clearly having been used. Shuichi was also hooked up to a heart monitor.

Yuki's heart jumped, 'What the hell is he hooked up to a heart monitor for!?' Yuki took in Shuichi's appearance. His face was hollow showing his protruding cheekbones. The skin that covered them was pale and his darkened eyes made it look like he was on his deathbed. Yuki was trembling at the sight of his lover.

Tohma walked in behind Yuki and gasped at the sight of Shuichi. Perhaps the kid was in worse health than he had thought. Tohma put his hand on Yuki's shoulder and left the room to ask the intern to call Shuichi's doctor after all, leaving Yuki to spend time with Shuichi on his own.

Yuki stepped up to the bed and took Shuichi's hand, trying to hold back his forming tears. He had hospitalised and killed many of his characters, putting them through their emotional paces. It was true that nothing prepares you for the real thing.

Yuki bent down and softly kissed Shuichi's dry lips, "You baka," he whispered.

Shuichi stirred a little and murmured Yuki's name before slipping back into the rhythm of sleep. Yuki was relieved, as this often proved to be a good sign.

Tohma returned with Shuichi's treating doctor soon after. Yuki turned to the man, not letting go of Shuichi's hand and looked at the man expectantly. Dr Nishimura gave a small smile, "Shindou-san will be fine. He is resting now. We were a little concerned with his low oxygen and blood pressure levels that would have been caused by his lack of nutrition. They are now at normal levels, but we will continue to monitor them overnight. We should be able to take him off the monitors in the morning."

Yuki took in the information concerning Shuichi's health, "I see. Good."

Dr Nishimura put his hands in his pockets, "How long has Shindou-san reduced his eating?"

Yuki looked at Shuichi, "About four days or so now."

Dr Nishimura looked at Yuki surprised, "Oh? That recently? He is showing symptoms of severe anorexia nervosa, which normally develops several weeks down the track."

Yuki looked towards the man, "Shuichi is not anorexic," he stated defensively.

Dr Nishimura did not look convinced.

Yuki glared at the doctor, "Trust me. I cook all of Shuichi's meals. He is naturally lithe but he eats like a horse and has the energy to match. I think that recent…personal events…have caused him to lose his appetite. He has not eaten anything in the last four days."

Dr Nishimura gave an, "Ah, I see now," in understanding. "He is going to be a little sore from the minor surgery to his side. There was only minimal penetration from a relatively blunt object. The tissue damage should be mostly healed in around four week's time and the stitches removed in say, two week's time."

Yuki looked down at Shuichi tenderly and stroked his forehead, relieved that the man did not press on for more answers. Shuichi stirred again, this time waking for a moment. He saw his lover standing next to his bed before registering that Yuki was holding onto his hand, "Eiri…"

Yuki's attention immediately left the doctor and was solely on Shuichi, "Hey, Shu-chan. How are you feeling?"

Shuichi smiled softly, 'Yuki is here with me, everything will be fine now.' "I think I am okay…a bit sore…what happened? Why am I in hospital?"

Dr Nishimura merely stared at the boy on the bed. Normally a general anaesthetic would keep a patient under for several hours and he quickly checked Shuichi's hospital notes, confirming that Shuichi was given the correct dosage of anaesthetic.

Yuki sat on the bed next to Shuichi and helped the groggy singer sit up. Shuichi shifted back on the bed too quickly, suddenly crying out in pain and clutching the side of his stomach.

Dr Nishimura was quickly at his side, getting the boy to sit upright and still, "Do be careful Shindou-san; you have only just woken from minor surgery. You had a microphone stand penetrate your side and have stitches. Now get yourself settled and let me check to see that you have not broken any of the stitches."

Shuichi gingerly settled himself against his pillows before allowing his doctor to check his stitches.

"All intact," Dr Nishimura announced, "Just be careful not to break them."

Shuichi thanked the doctor before asking, "Umm…why did a mike stand stab me?"

Yuki answered for the doctor, "Because you passed out from not eating! What the hell were you thinking Shuichi, not eating again. You told me this morning that you would eat when you got to the studio."

Shuichi ducked his head, "I am sorry Eiri…considering I was so late in the first place and being so close to lunchtime anyway, I thought I would wait until lunch, but we ended up working all the way through. I remember feeling a little dizzy at one point, but that went away and I just continued singing…I was singing so well today, I did not want to stop…but then I suddenly felt really sick and I cannot remember what happened after that but that I woke up here," was Shuichi's longwinded explanation.

Dr Nishimura was a little surprised at the young man's sudden revival of energy, despite the lingering anaesthetic. Looking at the two other men in the room, he noticed neither of them was perturbed and decided that this was the boy's normal behaviour. "Well, it sounds like you are recovering quite well, Shindou-san. I will have one of the nurses come in and take you off the monitors. You may even be able to go home in the morning."

"Awesome!" Shuichi exclaimed, "So…when does dinner come? I am kinda really hungry now."

Dr Nishimura laughed and began writing on Shuichi's chart, "The trolleys come around at 6:00pm, but I am sure one of the nurses could order something small for you while you wait. Considering you have not been eating lately, just remember to take many small, nutritious meals and avoid as many fats, sugars and strong flavours as possible until your digestive system has healed enough to take less, larger meals." He put the chart back in its place, "I will be back to see you in the morning."

Yuki added, "Which means no pocky until you are better."

Shuichi's eyes widened and he gasped in indignation, "What? No fair!"

As Shuichi watched the laughing doctor walk out of the room, his attention was brought to the other blonde standing in the room. Calmly, Shuichi started picking at his nails, "Yuki."

Yuki looked up at his lover, "Yes, Shu-chan?"

"What is _he_ doing here?" Shuichi asked.

Yuki inwardly cringed.

"Get out!" Shuichi turned from Tohma to Yuki, "I do not care if he holds my entire career in his hands…I want him out now!" Shuichi turned back to look at Tohma and interrupted whatever it was his boss had to say, "You have nothing to say to me right now…" Shuichi's eyes turned murderous, "You touched _my _lover…Eiri is mine…not yours! You married his sister dammit! You need to stay away from my lover." Angry tears had formed in Shuichi's eyes as he glared nastily at Tohma.

Tohma held his ground firm, "Shindou-san, we all need to discuss…"

Shuichi threw his head back in disbelief, "I told you to leave. You are not welcome here! Now get out before I come over there and give you a real reason to rip up my contract!"

When Tohma hesitated and further tried to speak - he really wanted to remain and assist Eiri in at least part of his explanations, he found had no other choice as Shuichi sharply reached around to the bedside hospital cabinet and picked up the nearest projectile object, being a box of tissues. Tohma stood frozen in shock as Shuichi twisted his body around to throw the box, only to drop it and cry out in agony, clutching at his side.

"Shuichi!" Yuki cried out. Yuki had his arms around his younger lover instantly as he gently coxed the distressing vocalist back on to the bed properly.

Tohma could clearly see the increasing blood spot on Shuichi's robe. "I wish you a quick recovery, Shindou-san…I will fetch the Doctor." Tohma turned and left the room.

Shuichi's anguished tears had returned anew and he cried into Yuki's shoulder, arms wrapped around his lover's back, "Eiri! It hurts!"

Yuki had one arm wrapped around Shuichi, the other hand pressing on Shuichi's wound, trying to slow the bleeding down. Yuki had tears running down his face as he hugged his crying lover to him. He knew Shuichi would have reacted badly to seeing Tohma, but maybe not this badly. Yuki drew in a shaky breath. Why did his family have to keep doing things like this? Hadn't they tried them enough? Yuki quickly decided that it was time his family stopped this charade.

The intern came rushing in and looked over at the bed. Yuki looked up at her and tried to coax Shuichi back onto the bed for her, which was not an easy task. The intern came over and inspected the bleeding wound on Shuichi's side. "Doctor Nishimura is on his way back down. Looks like you have reopened your wound, Shindou-san…and torn it even further." She saw Yuki looking down at something on that side of the bed and shifted herself to look, "And upset your IV."

Shuichi had more blood and IV fluids trickling down his arm as he had jerked both hands to his side when he had torn open his wound, thus shifting the needle and forcing it out of his arm with a small tear.

Doctor Nishimura came striding into the room and examined Shuichi's injuries, "This will need to be treated in surgery, Shindou-san, as the further wounding will need to be examined for the extent of any internal damage."

Shuichi's tears continued to fall and he looked up at Yuki, "I am sorry Eiri! I really am."

Yuki continued to hold Shuichi around his shoulders and leaned down to kiss his lips, "It will be okay, Shuichi. I promise." Yuki closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Shuichi's, his own slow tears falling onto Shuichi's face.

The intern had since run out of the room and back in carrying a surgical consent form, which Shuichi shakily signed. A team of nursing staff who started compression on Shuichi's wound and prepared him for the surgery followed her.

In the haste, Yuki had moved back and away from his lover's side. Doctor Nishimura looked over to him, "It is a very simple procedure and we will have him back to you in no time." After that, the doctor left the room.

As Shuichi was wheeled out of the room voicing how much he loved Yuki, Tohma slipped back into the room and looked over to Yuki, the dishevelled state of the tall man alarming him. Yuki stood in the room with slumped shoulders and a pale, tear-stained face. Traces of blood were on his shirt and his hands had blood all over them. Tohma quickly approached Yuki, "Eiri-san! Where are they taking him?"

Yuki blinked tears away from his eyes, "To theatre…he tore open his wound and made it worse…and now they have to operate on him again…" Yuki looked down at his hands, "This is Shuichi's blood," Yuki paused for a moment and burst into tears, "I have my lover's blood on my hands!"

Tohma guided Yuki into the en suite and gently helped his suffering brother-in-law wash the blood off his hands. Tohma then helped Yuki back into the room to sit in the provided chairs.

Yuki had calmed down considerably, but was still miserable, "You know, I have never physically hurt him and I still get his blood on my hands…just like before-"

Tohma had to cut Yuki off immediately, "This is not just like before Eiri-san and please do not ever think it is."

Before Yuki had the chance to come up with a retort, they were interrupted by a small commotion outside, namely Nakano Hiroshi demanding to know where Shuichi was. A mere five seconds later, Hiro appeared at the door, stopped, and stared at the room's occupants, "How the hell did you get here before me? I am on a bike…I can legally overtake like there is no tomorrow."

Yuki simply looked back at the guitarist with his eyebrow raised, who took the response as a 'don't ask a stupid question'.

Hiro looked around the room, "Where is he anyway? Is he still in surgery?"

Yuki scoffed bitterly, "Still? Try 'again'."

Hiro could not believe his ears, "Wait…again? Why again?" he then saw the blood stains on Yuki's shirt, "Is that…is that Shuichi's blood? What the hell happened?" he demanded, his voice gaining volume quickly.

Tohma answered for Yuki, "When Shindou-san woke up from his initial surgery, he managed to tear his stitches…"

Yuki growled, "Well no wonder, Seguchi! I told you in the car that I did not know how Shuichi would act when he saw you!"

Tohma looked at Yuki unimpressed. "Eiri-san, as you said, neither of us knew or expected such a strong…"

Neither of them noticed the temperature in the room had dropped rapidly and that Hiro had the darkest expression on his face when he cut off their little bickering-match, "What the hell is going on here? Clearly this whole thing has to do with Shuichi's mood over the last few days," he was looking darkly between them both, "I do not know the details; Shuichi felt that he could not confide in me this time and that is extremely upsetting enough. But I do know Shuichi well enough to read him like a book and I know it has something to do with the both of you."

Tohma stood, "I need to make a few calls to N-G. Please excuse me. Eiri-san, Nakano-san," he said, leaving the room before he fired the guitarist for his insolence as a reflex. Today had probably been one of the worst days Tohma had to deal with since that day in New York when he found Eiri. Whether Hiro was right or not, he stepped out to clear his head for a few minutes.

When Yuki failed to respond, Hiro continued, "Look, I really do not care what happened, just stop hurting Shuichi! Yuki-san, I asked you to look after him and now he is in surgery in hospital! What is going on in your relationship, Yuki-san? Whatever it is, it is clearly hurting Shuichi." Hiro took the now vacant seat and sighed deeply.

Yuki stepped out of his silence, "I am sorry he could not confide in you with this, but Shuichi and I are working it out. Just know that we are not splitting up."

Hiro had shifted so he had his hands folded behind his head, he turned slightly to glance at the crestfallen novelist, "Well, I suppose that is a good thing. Come on man, grow a pair and stop all this fucking drama; not only the people around you both cannot stand it, but look at how Shuichi has been affected this time."

Several moments later, Yuki said, "When he is over the surgery, I am taking him away for a while, to recover and get settled again."

Hiro nodded next to him, "That is the best comment I have heard come from you since I met you."

The two men sat in silence as they waited for Shuichi to be returned to them, Tohma being the only interruption carrying three coffees and a small bite to eat.

* * *

Okay, hands up who saw that coming? Hehe

Thank you for waiting so long, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry…

I am still writing Chapter 5 and I hope I do not take nearly as long to post!

Please leave a review to let me know you still love me!

KittenCeez

xMeowx


	5. Chapter 5

My Lover, My Darkness

Summary: Shuichi was given something Yuki thought he would never ever even know about let alone see and now Yuki has to pick up all the pieces.

Disclaimer: I own no rights to anything Gravitation, though I wish I did. But I just have to live with my ever increasing Gravitation collection.

Rating: M

A/N: Based on the Gravitation Megamix Panda. I believe I have covered enough in the body of the story for you if you have not read it, but still go and find and read it. It gives a deeper look into Yuki's past and his trauma.

A/N2: Hello, everyone. Yes, after much time as passed, the chapter is ready. I am honestly, truly as bad as Maki-sama herself…I thank all of you who have waited so long for your patience, and thank those of you who have recently joined my Gravi-world. All of your reviews have done wonders for me. I said that I would finish this, no matter how long it took, and I have.

Much love to you all, and I hope this chapter lives up to your expectations.

* * *

Chapter 5

In the days following Shuichi's release from hospital, Shuichi had remained very quiet, and conversation was minimal when it was not one-sided. Yuki had done what Shuichi had asked and replaced their mattress, relieved that Shuichi could relax in their bed again. This new mattress made it feel like they were starting their relationship afresh. It made Yuki realise that he had to work hard to keep Shuichi this time, and that it was not going to be enough that Shuichi forgave him as he always does. It was clear that Shuichi was still angry with Yuki; however, he was slowly calming down.

Two days after Shuichi had his stitches removed, the novelist returned home from a meeting with Mizuki to find his lover putting pressure on his side with a small, bloodied towel. After demanding answers, Shuichi had told him that in his boredom he had been trying to get rid of cobwebs with the duster and had reached too far, causing his wound to split. Yuki had dragged him straight to their GPs and Shuichi's wound had been treated with three new stitches, and he had been given painkillers to take at night and during the day if necessary.

Yuki's nightmares had returned after Shuichi had re-injured himself. His nightmares were twisted in such a way that they frightened Yuki to his core. Kitazawa-san was no longer the main star of taunting, bloody and vicious nightmares, but Shuichi, screaming in agony, being carried away from him by nurses and doctors with blank faces, crying for him, begging Yuki to help him, begging Yuki to stay with him. Yuki would look down at his hands in this nightmare and saw the same blood stained hands he had when Shuichi had been taken back to surgery that day in the hospital. He would run after Shuichi through door after door after door, and down an endless maze of corridors, Shuichi's voice echoing through the hospital until he finally found that theatre door. After arguing and finally shoving his way through the entourage of doctors, nurses and security that were trying to stop him, he would burst through the door to find Shuichi's life in the hands of Kitazawa-san. The man would look at him, sneer and pull out the cords to Shuichi's vitals, quickly extinguishing Shuichi's life before disappearing. Yuki would find himself frantically trying to put the cords back in place only to find that Shuichi was gone, taken from him by the man whose life he took. Yuki would clutch Shuichi tight to him, crying and begging him to come back, before his own blood curdling, agonised scream would wake him from this new torture.

Yuki had woken in a thick, cold sweat, his heart rate erratic and with tears streaming from his eyes. In his haste to get out of the bed, Yuki's foot was caught in the twisted sheets, thus sending the novelist straight to the floor with sharp pain spearing through his knees. He untangled himself from the sheets that had been pulled to the floor with him and scrambled off the floor. Yuki looked at his sleeping lover, the medication doing its job and keeping Shuichi blissfully unaware of what was going on in the room. Yuki began to pace around the room like a caged tiger, his breathing irregular and fitfully running his hands through his hair, irritably scraping across his scalp with his nails. His tears were still coming down his cheeks and Yuki almost ran over to his bedside table, ripping the cigarette box in his haste to draw nicotine into his body.

After quickly finishing four straight cigarettes, Yuki ran around the apartment turning every single light switch on, even lamps, before shakily getting into a shower. Yuki stood under the spray, replaying the scenes of his vivid nightmare in his head until the shower grew cold. After stepping out of the cold water, Yuki dried his body and dove back under the covers of the bed without turning a single light off in the apartment. He was cold and tired, but too scared to fall back to sleep. He did not want to come face-to-face with that nightmare again. A short while later, Yuki carefully drew Shuichi into an embrace, refusing to let his sleeping lover out of his arms for the rest of the night.

Since the nightmare, Yuki had literally pampered Shuichi, doing everything he could to keep Shuichi from injuring himself again. In fact, Shuichi was starting to feel like he had received more attention from the novelist in those few days than he had in their whole relationship. Well, outside of their sex life anyway. That was until Shuichi was comfortable and occupied, and then Yuki would disappear to his study. Yuki would go to bed with Shuichi, but if Shuichi woke up in the middle of the night, he was alone, and only a handful of times had he woken up in the morning with Yuki by his side. It was like the tide; when Shuichi wanted or needed something, Yuki would be all over him like the high tide on the shore, but when he did not need something Yuki was as gone and distant as the low tide.

Yuki's confusing, wave-like fussing finally got the better of Shuichi when Yuki would not let him help with washing, drying and the putting away of the dishes from dinner, when normally, the entire chore was solely Shuichi's. Shuichi sighed exasperatedly, and stormed into the living room in a huff. His stitches had been removed again and the wound was healing well for crying out loud. After moodily propping himself on the lounge suite, he looked over the room. Everything that Yuki had brought to him and laid out before him; pocky boxes, the pillows, cushions, his laptop, note books, pens, pencils, mp3 player, dvds, manga novels and the PlayStation, were strewn over the general area within Shuichi's arm reach. By the time Yuki had finished the dishes, Shuichi had completely and stubbornly tidied up.

Yuki came out of the kitchen with a can of beer and stopped still when he saw the neat living room. Shuichi was looking up at him sternly, arms folded and legs crossed, "I am not a crystal invalid, Eiri."

Yuki started to reply, "I have never thought you-"

Shuichi cut him off, "Oh come on! You will not even let me lift a finger!"

Yuki put his beer can down, "Shuichi, I do not want you to reopen your wound, again! You had to have new stitches from the last time you tore them doing housework. Your wound is never going to heal, not to mention the scarring that will just get worse!"

Shuichi was leaning his elbow on his knee, fingertips pressed to his temple, "Eiri, I am bored and I have nothing to do! I am now, and all my thanks to you, up-to-date with my manga and anime and I have seen every movie on my 'to watch' list. But I cannot just sit around any more. You will not let me go for a walk down to the lobby, let alone go to the studio! I am clawing the walls here. Perhaps it would not be as bad if you spent time with me, but you are leaving me here alone while you are cooped up in your study. We have a serious problem we need to get through. We need to heal our relationship too, not just my injury, and leaving me by myself to twiddle my thumbs is not going to make that happen!" Shuichi roughly scratched his fingers through his hair, "I love you to death, but it frustrates the hell out of me what I need to go through to get you to talk to me!"

Every word Shuichi had spoken twisted Yuki's stomach with guilt. He was aware that while he had pampered his lover, he had been avoiding Shuichi. Despite the amount of time he was locked away at his laptop, Yuki had not written more than one scrappy chapter, his focus switching between the scenes in his nightmares. He had hardly slept, dodging sleep to avoid the nightmares, trying to sleep in the lounge or in his study in case he woke Shuichi in his fits. Yuki could not use his work as an excuse as Mizuki had given him an indefinite extension while Shuichi was recovering.

Yuki was downcast as he turned to speak to Shuichi again, "Shu…do you know how hard it was to see your blood on my hands?" he asked quietly, "How hard it was to see you lying there? To see you looking so sick and frail, knowing that I had been the cause of it all?"

Tears formed in Shuichi's eyes as he looked up and saw tears slowly making their way down Yuki's cheeks.

Yuki continued, "Every night, I relive the horrors of that day in the hospital, watching you being taken away from me with your blood all over my hands. Every night…it is him…_he_ is standing there until he kills you, and takes you away from me forever, while I stand there shouting and unable to move! It tortures me Shuichi! I cannot…_will not_ let anyone or anything take you away from me!"

Shuichi was trying not to breakdown while watching as his beautiful lover crumbled before him. As Yuki slumped to his knees in front of Shuichi, the pink-haired man rushed over and pulled Yuki in to a tight embrace, burying his face in Yuki's shoulder.

"Eiri, why did you not tell me that your nightmares were back?" Shuichi asked through a breaking voice. He pulled back and forced Yuki to look at him, Yuki's tired features showing the man's exhaustion, "It is my job to help you through them."

Yuki looked at Shuichi for a moment, before he pulled his lover in, clutching Shuichi to him as he cried.

That night, Yuki made love to Shuichi, which felt like the first time in an eternity to them. It was soft, it was sweet and for once, their final climax washed over them together, and leaving them both feeling like they had taken leaps in restoring their relationship.

The next day, Yuki had to go to an appointment with his therapist. He was about to leave the apartment when Shuichi walked out from the kitchen to say goodbye and was shocked to find Tohma standing in their passageway.

Yuki quickly shrugged his coat on, "I will be back in a couple of hours."

"Alright, Eiri-san," Tohma replied, and with that Yuki was gone.

Tohma turned to face Shuichi.

Shuichi was standing with his arms folded, glaring darkly at Tohma, "What are you doing here?" he asked angrily.

Tohma put on a brave smile and held up the takeaway bag in his hand for Shuichi to notice. "Good afternoon, Shindou-san, I brought lunch." Tohma briskly walked passed Shuichi and headed for the kitchen, leaving the glaring vocalist in the passageway. "If I recall, you like wok fried soy Singapore noodles?"

Shuichi had slowly followed his boss through the apartment, not quite believing that the man was actually _in his and Yuki's apartment_ considering all that had happened. "You still have not answered my question…what are you doing here?" Shuichi pressed, raising his voice a little louder than before.

Tohma stopped putting the food on the plates that he had pulled out of the cupboard. "We need to talk, Shindou-san. Eiri-san called me this morning telling me that he needed to go out this afternoon, and…"

Shuichi was livid, "You have got to be kidding me!" he seethed, walking out of the kitchen and back into the living room, "He got me a damned _babysitter_? After everything I said to him last night…"

Tohma sighed, and went back to dishing out the lunch he had brought, while Shuichi continued ranting to himself in the next room. Tohma carried the plates of lunch out to the living room and found Shuichi sitting huffily on the lounge. Shuichi looked like he wanted to seethe some more, cry, or do both. Tohma placed Shuichi's lunch on the coffee table in front of him and sat on the other side of the lounge.

Shuichi continued to stare off into the opposite direction, not touching the food laid out before him. Tohma decided to break the ice, dropping his formality, "How is your injury healing, Shuichi?"

Shuichi was silent for a moment, contemplating ignoring Tohma, but he shrugged instead, "Fine…fine enough for me to come back to the studio, not that my keeper will let me," he added, bitterly.

Tohma nodded slightly, "That is good to hear, I am glad you are recovering well," Tohma said with sincerity in his voice.

Tohma did not miss the quick, sceptical look on Shuichi's face, before Shuichi schooled his features again. A few, silent minutes later, Shuichi relented, and picked up his lunch. It smelled great, and he was hungry. Tohma was thankful that Yuki was not going to be angry at him for Shuichi not eating.

Tohma thought he never could feel anxious in Shuichi's presence, but with their minimal conversation going south, he could feel the uncomfortable nerves building up. Tohma was a little relieved when the doorbell rang, causing Shuichi to leave the room and answer the door. Things were quiet before Tohma heard Shuichi raise his voice angrily and what he thought was a punch, before something heavily hitting a wall.

By the time Tohma had run to the passageway, the door was open, Shuichi was nowhere in sight and he found Tatsuha slumped against the wall, nursing his mouth and jaw. Tohma crouched down by Tatsuha asking what had happened.

Tatsuha spat blood onto the floor to the side of him so he could speak, "Shuichi booted me in the mouth…said something…about accusing him of wanting to rape my brother…what the fuck is he on about?"

Tohma sighed up at Tatsuha, having yet to question him about the tape, and realising Yuki had not confronted his younger brother either, considering he is still alive, "Shuichi knows about that day we had with Eiri-san when he was still on tour."

Tatsuha stared at Tohma silently, before asking, "How the hell did he find out?"

Tohma's expression changed to a very dangerous one, frightening the young man before him, "That is what I need to ask you before Eiri-san does. Why did you send Shuichi that tape?"

Tatsuha was shell-shocked and he looked up at Tohma, blinking and doing a pretty good impression of a goldfish with his slowly swelling mouth, "What…? Me? What do you…? I never sent Shuichi a tape…I have not sent him anything! I came by today to see how he was because I found out he had been injured and in hospital!"

Tohma continued to study Tatsuha, before accepting that he too did not know anything about Shuichi receiving the tape, "So who sent it to him if I did not and neither did you?"

Tatsuha stood back up and made his way into the guest bathroom to clean himself up, "I have no idea. The tape I have is still hidden at my apartment."

Tohma sighed to himself again, before grabbing his coat and hat and leaving Tatsuha to fix himself as he went after Shuichi. He would hate to have Yuki angry with him for letting Shuichi leave the apartment.

After searching for nearly two hours, Tohma finally found Shuichi standing on the balcony back at Eiri's apartment. Sighing inwardly to himself in relief, Tohma removed his coat hanging it up, also noting that Tatsuha had left the apartment already. Tohma walked up to the balcony door and slid it open to step outside, "I do not like being given the run around, Shuichi. I have been searching for you for nearly two hours."

Shuichi merely rose an eyebrow at his boss and gave him an unimpressed look, "Do you really think I give a fuck about what you do and do not like, Seguchi-san?" before turning away to look back over the railing.

Tohma glanced to his side at Shuichi's bitchy tone, and he was surprised enormously when Shuichi pulled one of Yuki's lit cigarettes to his lips and taking a deep inhale. He moved himself over to lean his back against the railing, casually folding his arms, "Does Eiri-san know that you smoke?"

Shuichi chuckled to himself, "Oh hell no, he would kill me." Shuichi sighed and let his shoulders fall forward, "But it is only occasionally that I do…like when my life has gotten really fucked up, like now for example."

Tohma remained silent; there really was not much to say at that point without stating the obvious. After a moment, Tohma gave a soft smile, "I should check to see whether smoking is allowed in your contract, Shuichi. We would not want to ruin your voice."

Shuichi gave a small laugh, the corners of his mouth actually turning upwards for once, "After living with Eiri all these years, I think my voice box will be alright." Shuichi smirked a little, "You know, for all the schemes you have come up with to separate us, that was one you did not pull."

Tohma looked down towards the younger man with a smile, before feigning thoughtfulness, "You know, you are right! That one just might work," he joked, "I really will have to check your contract."

Shuichi took another drag of the cigarette between his fingers, laughing slightly, "Too late now old man, you can leave that trail of thought right now."

Tohma looked over to Shuichi, "Who are you calling old! Besides, you started that one. I may indeed be older than you Shuichi, but I am still your employer, so do not misplace the right level of respect."

Shuichi scoffed, "Yeah? You mean the same level of respect you showed me when you fucked my lover behind my back, Tohma? Come on man, we are at the same level now, whether you like it or not, and you were the one that brought yourself down to it." Shuichi turned around to lean his back on the balcony railing, "Just be thankful that I know how to tell the difference between when you are my boss and when you are my equal."

Tohma was again lost for words as Shuichi verbally hammered him down to the ground, making the record label President feel quite small.

A long moment of silence passed, ringing with Shuichi's triumphant aura when Shuichi broke the silence, finishing the cigarette, "You know…I used to light a cigarette after Eiri had been away for too long already, and let the smell go through the apartment just so it felt like he was still home. At times, I would miss him so much and get myself wrapped up in the smell of the cigarette, that I would think he was back already…only to disappoint myself when I realised he was still gone." Shuichi sighed, half-sadly and half-bitterly, and lit himself a second cigarette, "Yeah I know, I am a hopeless romantic who cannot stand being away from his lover for more than a day. It really does sound pathetic."

Tohma took the packet and lighter from Shuichi, helping himself to a cigarette as well, and received a curious glance from the younger man before him. While lighting the cigarette, he commented, "Eiri-san appreciates that more than he shows, Shuichi." Tohma took a long drag, swallowing a cough at the smoke, lest he look even more pathetic in front of Shuichi. He exhaled the cigarette smoke from his lungs, leaning back against the railing, "It has been a good ten years since I last had one of these. I gave up when Eiri-san started. I had kind of hoped he would follow by example, but we all know where that tale ends."

Shuichi nodded and laughed to himself, knowing full well Yuki's cigarette habits, "Well, he is cutting back slowly these days."

Tohma turned to Shuichi, "How is it that the things I have been trying in vain to get Eiri-san to do or commit to for the last decade, you have managed to convince him to do in less than half that time?"

Shuichi laughed heartily, "My kind of persistence and love. That, and I am a bigger threat to his sex life than you are."

Tohma conceded and nodded his head, "I will give you that."

A moment passed where Shuichi watched Tohma for a moment before asking, "So I take it things with Mika-san are still bad."

Tohma blanched at Shuichi's undeniably accurate ability to pinpoint his own relationship problems.

Shuichi studied the man, noticing that the very mention of his wife's name made him look at least ten years older, "Tohma?"

Tohma sighed, looking down towards his feet, unable to force even his business smile on his face, "Things with Mika…have been difficult lately, and I do not think the pregnancy is the cause. I do still love Mika, but I am deeply concerned about which direction our marriage will turn towards if we cannot improve. We argue much more than we did before."

Tohma stopped and blinked to himself, realising how much he had just confided in Shindou Shuichi of all people. He realised he was experiencing just what kind of affect the vocal prodigy had on his brother-in-law.

Shuichi remained silent for a long moment, then he looked at Tohma from side on, "Tohma…why did you sleep with my lover?" he asked quietly, "Please tell me."

Tohma looked up at Shuichi, surprised by the question. He looked away while he composed his thoughts. He has wanted to talk to Shuichi since Yuki went to him about Shuichi finding out, and now was his chance. "Eiri-san has struggled to recover from what happened in New York, which I am sure you know, Shuichi."

Shuichi nodded and let Tohma continue.

"When Eiri-san first slipped into these slumps of his, we tried all sorts of things to snap him back out of it; distractions, like leaving the apartment and going to different places, attractions, events…and when they stopped working, we turned to distractions at home, like movies, cooking…but, nothing ever worked twice. Eiri-san turned to his promiscuous ways and slipped further from us." Tohma paused for a moment. "Eventually, that stopped working for him and during a particularly bad slump, Eiri-san called me. He was frantic and not making any sense. I went to him straight away and he was a mess, Shuichi, and I could not console him…I had to fight him for the knife he held in his hand, threatening to cut himself with it."

Shuichi felt tears forming in the corners of his eyes, hearing about how badly tortured Kitazawa had left his lover.

Tohma swallowed hard and continued, "It was horrible, I had to confiscate his medication, and keep Eiri-san locked in the bedroom where he could not get to anything that he could hurt himself with. He threw one of the lamps on the bedside tables at me while I was standing against the door to stop him from running out, but I managed to duck out of the way. He was in front of me in a heartbeat, and I have never been so afraid of Eiri-san as I had at that moment. I did not know what he was going to do, but he just fell to his knees and begged me to sleep with him."

Tohma cleared his throat, blinking his own tears away, when he looked back at Shuichi to find tears slowly running down his cheeks as he listened, "And I did…I did not know what else to do; all I could think was if that was the best way to keep Eiri-san from killing himself, then I would do it. I hired Kitazawa to be Eiri-san's tutor. I should have looked into the man more closely, and perhaps this never would have happened!" Tohma admitted, desperately wishing things were different. "I do not remember how Tatsuha became involved, but it helped. Over the years, Eiri-san has slipped into this submissive personality more times than I can count on both of my hands. Writer's block brings it on, and it was like a depraved obsession for him. This was not the first time Eiri-san has called for our help, Shuichi, but since he met you, Eiri-san has not asked for our help much at all."

Shuichi looked up at Tohma sharply, almost afraid to ask, "Not much? You mean to tell me…this has happened before…while I have been with Eiri?"

Tohma nodded, "One other time."

Shuichi's eyes watered again instantly, and he put his face in his hands, leaning over slightly with the shock he felt in his body.

Tohma continued, hoping the next piece of information would keep Shuichi from breaking completely, "The time before was while you were on Bad Luck's eight week tour two years ago."

Shuichi was shaking, but he had heard Tohma. It took him a moment, but he realised what Tohma was saying and he looked back up at the older man.

Tohma stepped closer to Shuichi, placing his hand on Shuichi's shoulder, "You see Shuichi, Eiri-san needs you when you are away as much as you need him while he is away."

Shuichi got lost in the comparison, "Lighting a cigarette is hardly the same as sleeping with you…"

Tohma shook his head, "That is not what I mean. Eiri-san has fallen into writer's block while you have been home, and you have been there to help him out of it. Without you, we lose him to the deep recesses of his mind. You are Eiri-san's reason for living, Shuichi, and you are healing him, slowly." He stood up straight and took his hand off Shuichi's shoulder, "Eiri-san's heart is not completely healed yet, and I cannot be there for him in this way any more. It needs to be you from now on, Shuichi, and I think I know a way to help Eiri-san."

Anything further said was cut short by a knock on the front door.

Shuichi's shoulders slumped, clearly not happy by the interruption. When they knocked again, Shuichi sighed wearily, and went to open the door.

Tohma shared Shuichi's annoyance and waited on the balcony while Shuichi went to tend to his visitor.

Shuichi was wondering who his visitor was, and if it would be alright to ask them to come back another time. It really was not a good time right now. Unless it was Hiro, then Shuichi would let him in straight away. Shuichi had enjoyed Hiro's visits; they had been his only contact with the physical outside world while Yuki had kept him wrapped up in cotton wool. Shuichi rubbed his face with his hands, trying to hide his crying more, and opened the door. He was bewildered by the visitor, "Sakuma-san?"

Ryuichi smiled brightly at Shuichi, "Na-no-da, Sparkly, Sparkly Shuichi!"

Ryuichi bounced passed Shuichi into the apartment, while Shuichi just stood there, holding the door open, still bewildered by his idol's unexpected arrival. Shuichi shook himself out of his bafflement and closed the door, following the happily babbling man into the apartment.

Ryuichi flitted about the living room, talking about Kumagoro, something that glittered, his flight, ending with how much he missed Shuichi and then Los Angeles, "You are going to love it in Los Angeles, Shuichi! Kumagoro says so too! Why are you not packed yet?"

Shuichi was confused by the mismatched sentences and gave Ryuichi a doubtful look, "Packed? Los Angeles? Why would I like it there, that city does not hold great memories, Sakuma-san," Shuichi shook his head from the visions of being whisked away by XMR. He added quietly, "Until Yuki came to get me…"

Shuichi was not the only one surprised by Ryuichi's arrival. Tohma's eyes had gone wide when he heard his best friend's voice in the apartment. Tohma was about to present himself, but stopped mid-step at Ryuichi's next sentences.

Ryuichi whirled around to stand in front of Shuichi, the saddest look possible on his face, "Why have you been crying, Shuichi?" he almost quivered, but then he growled, "What has that no-good tart done to my Shuichi!"

Shuichi gasped and stepped back from Ryuichi, "Sa-Sakuma-san…what did you say?"

Tohma's shocked expression almost matched Shuichi's, but at that moment, his phone rang in his pocket. Tohma considered ignoring it, but he decided to check who was calling first and he stepped towards the railing. He pulled his phone out and answered it immediately when he saw the caller ID, he never received a call from this person. "Yes Tatsuha-kun, what is it?"

"Seguchi!" Tatsuha said urgently, "We have a problem! A huge problem!"

"Tatsuha-kun, calm down, and tell me what has happened," Tohma asked calmly. Tohma then noticed the familiar engine coming around a nearby corner.

"It is my copy of the tape!" Tatsuha said, "I decided to check my apartment, and it is gone!"

Tohma's eyes widened, "How did this happen, Tatsuha!" he growled at the younger Usagi.

"I do not know, Seguchi!" Tatsuha barked back, "It was too well hidden…only someone with access to my safe would have found it, and nobody knows the combination!"

Tohma was starting to stress, "Has anyone been to your apartment?"

"No one," Tatsuha replied, "Not in the last…wait…actually, Ryuichi was here a couple of weeks ago, but you would have known about that, he would have told you."

Tohma's blood instantly ran cold. He immediately knew what was going on. "Thank you for calling me, Tatsuha. I will take care of it." He cut off whatever else Tatsuha had to say, hanging up from the call.

Both Ryuichi and Shuichi had noticed the phone ringing on the balcony, but neither acknowledged it. Shuichi was still reeling from Ryuichi's statement.

Then, Tohma came in from the balcony. "Ryuichi, we need to leave," he stated with authority.

Ryuichi looked at Tohma, bored, and turned back to Shuichi, taking Shuichi's hand in his, "I will only leave with Shuichi. That guy thinks you will always belong to him, so he does whatever he wants. He makes you cry, Shuichi."

Shuichi leaned away from Ryuichi, wanting his hand back, "What are you saying, Sakuma-san?"

Keys unlocked the front door, and Yuki walked into the apartment. After removing his coat and slipping his shoes off, he walked through to the living room to find his biggest rival holding his lover's hand.

Ryuichi smirked at Yuki, smugly, "You deserve better than a lying cheater that plays with taboo."

Shuichi blanched, horrified, and yanked his hand out of Ryuichi's, stepping back several paces, "You…you sent me that tape!"

Ryuichi stepped closer to Shuichi, "You needed to know the truth, Shu-chan…"

Shuichi shook his head violently, stepping back from Ryuichi until his back found the wall, "Do not call me that! Only Eiri calls me that!"

A blur flashed passed Shuichi as Yuki went for Ryuichi. Yuki shoved him away from Shuichi, his fist aiming for his face, but Ryuichi ducked away from it. Ryuichi found his feet and stood up straighter, preparing to fight back, but Yuki's fist found his stomach.

"Eiri-san!" Tohma yelled, and ran over to the two tangled men.

Ryuichi lost his breath as Yuki's fist punched him, knees buckling as he was forced to the ground. The table was shoved out of place by Ryuichi's falling body. The table ornaments tumbled over, pillar candles rolling onto the floor and away. The table collided with a tall, glass floor vase, knocking it over. The vase smashed, sending glass, river stones, and the ornamental reeds all over the floor. Yuki pulled his fist back, eyes blazing, ready to punch Ryuichi's face, when he was grabbed from behind.

Tohma had to use all of his strength to yank Yuki off Ryuichi, "Eiri-san! Stop it!"

"Let me go, Seguchi!" Yuki growled, trying to writhe out of Tohma's hold, "I am going to fucking kill him!"

Ryuichi slid back along the floor, moving himself out of Yuki's reach. He coughed lightly, giving a self-satisfied, cynical laugh as he got himself up off the floor, "Such violence, as to be expected from a man with so little going for him other than fading looks!" He turned to Shuichi, "You can shine with me Shuichi. I love you, Shuichi and I told you before that I will not give up on your voice. Come back to Los Angeles with me."

"I love Eiri," Shuichi said, his head down, his hair hiding his eyes.

Ryuichi would not let up, "He is no good for you, Shu-chan. He is nothing without his good looks. Pathetic, even. An unfaithful dog that would rather cheat on you than face his demons-"

The stunned silence in the room rang with the hard slap across the face that Shuichi gave Ryuichi. Several seconds passed before Ryuichi turned his stinging face to look back at Shuichi, eyes wide.

Shuichi stood in front of him and he was seething, angry tears glittering the corners of his eyes. His teeth were gritted, fists balled by his sides, and his shoulders were shaking at the exertion from stopping himself hitting Ryuichi again.

This distraction was all that Tohma needed to shove Yuki into his office, closing and locking the door behind them.

Yuki was immediately at Tohma, "Let me the fuck out of here, Seguchi! That prick has my Shuichi!"

Tohma would not move from the door, "I am sorry, Eiri-san, but please let Shuichi handle this. I cannot let you injure Ryuichi any more than you already have."

Yuki had started pacing, his eyes wild, "Shuichi is _mine_…he cannot have him! Seguchi! Move!"

Tohma stood firm against the door.

Shuichi glowered angrily at Ryuichi, "How dare you come into my home and put me through this. You know nothing about me and Eiri."

Ryuichi remained silent.

Shuichi continued, "You are supposed to be my friend, Sakuma-san. If you were, then you would not have done this. I love Eiri, and I will never leave him."

Ryuichi stood up straighter, the pain in his stomach receding, "I love you, Shuichi. I have from the moment I first heard you sing. I can take your voice to places you have never dreamed about."

Shuichi's glare softened, "That may be so, Sakuma-san, but I am sorry, I am not going anywhere. If that makes me a masochist, then I really do not care, as long as I am with Eiri that is all that matters."

Ryuichi had the sense to look truly rejected, "I see. Well then," he started walking towards the passageway, "I hope you do not live to regret your decision, Shuichi. You know where to find me if you change your mind."

Shuichi heard the front door open and close, and he let out the breath he had been holding, "I will never regret staying with Eiri."

Shuichi leaned back against the wall and slid down to the ground, suddenly too exhausted to stand. He brought his knees up, buried his head in his folded arms, and started to cry.

Yuki paced harder, more agitated, "Seguchi! Let me out of here!" he almost roared.

When Tohma still held his ground, Yuki grabbed the nearest object and hurled it at him. Tohma dodged the table lamp, hearing the glass shatter against the door behind him. Finding this far too familiar, Tohma stood back up to find Yuki immediately in front of him, glaring down at him. Yuki put his hands on Tohma's shoulders, Tohma too frightened to say or do anything. Then, Yuki fell to his knees before him.

Yuki looked up at his brother-in-law, pleading, "Please, Seguchi…Tohma…do not let him take my Shuichi…"

Tohma looked down at Yuki, his determination melting immediately. He nodded and stood away from the door.

Yuki was on his feet in a flash. He unlocked the door and wrenched it open, rushing back into the living room with Tohma following him. Yuki looked around the apartment, searching for Ryuichi, when he found Shuichi sitting on the ground, back against the wall, and his head lowered. Yuki rushed over to him, hovering over his lover. Shuichi looked up at him, and smiled lightly with sad eyes.

Tohma saw a silent novel of conversation pass between the couple. He waited a moment longer before asking, "Where is Ryuichi?"

Shuichi turned his tear-stained face to Tohma, leaning his head against the wall, "He left."

Tohma nodded his understanding, and when Shuichi held his arms out to Yuki, he turned and walked to the front door, picking up his hat and coat on the way out of the apartment.

Ryuichi was leaning against Tohma's car, waiting for the man to come down stairs. He was upset that he had lost Shuichi, and soft tears made their way down his face.

"Tohma," Ryuichi acknowledged his best friend as he came towards his car, wiping his tears away.

Tohma's face was expressionless, but his eyes were hard, "Ryuichi. I am very angry with you."

Ryuichi lowered his head, surprised and a little embarrassed at Tohma's tone, and got in the car with Tohma.

Later that evening, Tohma returned to Yuki's and Shuichi's apartment to check on the couple. That afternoon had been a blur, one thing happening after the other, and he was glad it was over. Yuki answered the door and let him in. Tohma took his coat off and placed it on the rack, slipping off his shoes, and followed Yuki into the living room. The place looked as pristine as it always did, and the furniture back in place after the fight with Ryuichi.

Yuki offered Tohma a glass of scotch, which Tohma took appreciatively, and sat down on the lounge, "Where is Shuichi?" he asked, softly.

Yuki nodded to the bedroom as he sat down with his own drink, "He is asleep."

Yuki had taken Shuichi in his arms when his lover had held his arms out to him. Yuki sat with him on the floor, while Shuichi softly cried into his shoulder, curled into Yuki's lap.

"I am so tired, Eiri," Shuichi had said into his shoulder. "I love you, Eiri," Shuichi pulled back from Yuki, looking up at him, "Please do not ever leave me," he asked, needing the reassurance.

Yuki hugged Shuichi to him, "I will not, Shu-chan."

Yuki felt Shuichi relax into him, and a few minutes later, Shuichi was fast asleep. Yuki carried him to the bedroom, making sure he was comfortable and warm, before he turned back to the living room to clean up the mess.

Tohma took a sip from his glass, "Ryuichi is on a plane headed for Los Angeles. He will not trouble you again."

Tohma held a sad frown for a long moment, thinking about the last few hours. He had managed to console Ryuichi about losing the battle for Shuichi's love, Ryuichi slipping in and out of his various personalities. Tohma was not entirely heartless; Ryuichi was his best friend, and meant a lot to him. However, he had to scold the man for the trouble he had caused, and for hurting Yuki. The last person to do that was still a hospitalised vegetable. They had argued in the car, shouting at each other, until Ryuichi demanded to be taken to the airport. Not another word had been spoken between them.

Tohma took a bigger drink from the glass, unsure how to repair his friendship with Ryuichi. Tohma sighed heavily, "The tape will not leak to the public. Shuichi has Tatsuha-kun's copy and Ryuichi did not copy it. I will destroy my copy, Eiri-san."

Yuki nodded silently, relieved a thousand times over.

"Although, I will miss seeing your cute backside, Eiri-san," Tohma added, trying to lighten the mood in the room. Tohma was met with a reproachful glare from Yuki. Tohma laughed and put his hands in front of him, "I am joking, I am joking," he said with a small smile.

Yuki's glare faltered and he sighed, "Seguchi, this cannot happen ever again…"

Tohma nodded, "I know, Eiri-san, and I do not think it will."

"How do we know that?" Yuki asked, heatedly, "I cannot shake him! Writer's block is sure to happen again…Shuichi is bound to be away from me again with his band…" Yuki sat with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands, "Seguchi, I do not know what to do…I am scared of doing it again…how can I fix this?"

Tohma waited in silence for a moment, finishing his drink before he sat forward and placed the glass on the table. "The answer is quite simple, Eiri-san."

Yuki looked up at Tohma, waiting for him to continue.

Tohma looked at Yuki steadily, "The answer is asleep in your bedroom."

Yuki looked over to the closed bedroom door where Shuichi was asleep. "…Shuichi," Yuki said softly.

Tohma stood up, preparing to leave the apartment, "Your therapist would not dream of suggesting this to you, Eiri-san, but I believe it will help you a thousand times better than anything he could do."

Yuki sat up straight as Tohma approached him, taking his chin in his hand.

Tohma looked down at Yuki, firmly, "Trust Shuichi, Eiri-san. Give yourself…all of you…to Shuichi, it is where you belong."

Tohma stood back from Yuki, and left the apartment, leaving the man alone with his guidance.

Yuki did not even hear the door close, fixated on Tohma's statement, 'it is where you belong', echoing around his mind.

Another thirty minutes had passed before Yuki had muddled through his mind's wanderings about the eventful last couple of weeks of their lives. He looked up at the bedroom door with a determination seen only once before: when he stormed over to Los Angeles to get his Shuichi back from XMR.

* * *

I shall say no more than there is an epilogue, which I will put up in the next few days.

I look forward to your reviews.

Much Love,

KittenCeez!

xxxxMeowxxx


	6. Chapter 6 Epilogue

My Lover, My Darkness

Summary: Shuichi was given something Yuki thought he would never ever even know about let alone see and now Yuki has to pick up all the pieces.

Disclaimer: I own no rights to anything Gravitation, though I wish I did. But I just have to live with my ever increasing Gravitation collection.

Rating: M

A/N: Based on the Gravitation Megamix Panda. I believe I have covered enough in the body of the story for you if you have not read it, but still go and find and read it. It gives a deeper look into Yuki's past and his trauma.

A/N2: Well, this is it, Gravi-fans! My heart goes out to all of you for your support!

* * *

Chapter 6 - Epilogue

'Here lies the body of Yuki Kitazawa, I hope to heaven his soul is gone'

Shuichi stood, looking down at the gravestone. He and Yuki were in the middle of a well-deserved holiday to Tahiti, in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, away from people that know them. Shuichi had requested that they visit New York on their way, even though it was in a different direction.

Shuichi knew how Yuki felt about New York, but that was all the more reason to go there. In order to help Yuki more, Shuichi needed to make New York a better place for him, and for them. It worked. Yuki finally opened up to Shuichi, told him everything about Kitazawa; how he had loved him, how he had wanted to be with him, and Kitazawa's promise to be with him, and what he remembers of the night his innocence was stolen and his heart broken. Shuichi had sat straddling Yuki's lap on the bed while Yuki described to Shuichi how he plummeted into his slumps, and what the memories of being with Kitazawa did to him, and why he turned to Tohma and Tatsuha.

Shuichi tenderly placed his hands on Yuki's lowered face, making him look at him, and placed a loving kiss on Yuki's lips. "Eiri, not all that long ago, you asked me to prove to you that you are number one in my heart, and I said that you shared that place with my music. You still do, but there is a place so deep down in my heart that my music does not reach, and it is filled with you, there will never be anything else that can fit in there. Your writing is as important to you in your heart as my music is to me. I live for my music and I live for you, Eiri. I want that place in your heart to be mine, Eiri, and I will fight every one of your ghosts every damn day for the rest of my life to keep it. You live for your writing, and it is time that you proved to me that you live for me, not for Kitazawa."

Yuki gave Shuichi the greatest gift he could, and had let Shuichi make love to him. He rejected Kitazawa's unfulfilled promise, shattering the wall in his mind that stood between him and his love for Shuichi. As nervous as he was, Shuichi had surprised Yuki with his ability to be the dominant partner. Regardless how it turned out, it had been the single most influential act to restoring Yuki's tormented soul. Shuichi knew he would not likely get the chance to do so again, but he did not mind; once was all he could have ever wished for from his Yuki.

After a long moment, Shuichi placed a single, white lily on the site, out of his respect for the dead.

"I never knew you, and for that I am glad," Shuichi said to the grave, "The way you hurt my Eiri is unforgiveable, and I hope you do not find salvation in your death. Eiri has me now, and I will not let you hurt him again. Goodbye, Kitazawa Yuki."

Shuichi pushed his sunglasses further in place, and walked away from the grave, leaving the cemetery altogether. He stopped by the florist he had purchased the lily from and picked up a red rose. He slowly strolled along the cold, New York winter streets, making his way through the busy boulevards and throngs of people shopping for their Christmases. Shuichi smiled at the doorman to their hotel, passing through the wide, perfectly polished, glass doors and into the elaborate foyer.

The hotel corridors were heated, and Shuichi was already removing the layers of clothes from his body that kept out the chill while he was outside. He entered their room to find Yuki had recently showered, the novelist dressed in his black slacks and an unbuttoned white shirt. He was towelling his hair dry while brewing his morning coffee.

Yuki turned to Shuichi walking through the door, "Where the hell have you been?"

Shuichi closed the door, "Just out for a walk, Eiri," he smiled, "I did leave a note, dear."

Yuki threw the towel back into the bathroom, "Huh…I know, I found it. I do not mind, Shuichi, but just remember that your English is worse than a one-year-olds."

Shuichi placed the pile of clothes he had stripped from his body in the elevator on one of the chairs in the room, smiling to himself at Yuki's way of telling him to be careful and that he was worried. Shuichi removed the flower from its paper, and started humming to himself, earning Yuki's further attention.

"Are you okay, Shu-chan?" Yuki asked him.

Shuichi turned a bright grin to his lover, "Honestly, Eiri, I could not be happier."

Yuki gave Shuichi a look, "Whatever," he said, turning back to his coffee. He let his own smile free. Neither could he. A moment later, Yuki turned back to Shuichi, "Oi, you better hurry up and get ready if you want to go to-"

Shuichi interrupted Yuki, "I am sorry, Eiri, but I have changed my mind; I do not want to go there now, not today anyway."

Yuki's shoulders slumped, and he turned a long-suffering expression on his lunatic lover, "Are you serious? After you hassled me yesterday?"

Shuichi nodded and approached Yuki, the rose dangling in his hand, "Yup."

Yuki scowled, "Well, what do you want to do instead?"

Shuichi giggled, "Something much better." Shuichi grabbed Yuki's open shirt with one hand, his arm coming around Yuki's neck, letting the rose dangle down his shoulder, and pulled him into the bedroom. "We can go out later."

"Fine by me," Yuki agreed, and he captured Shuichi's lips with his own, lying over his lover on the bed.

The lovers had left their hotel room that afternoon, finding their way to a cafe a short walk from their hotel, having completely missed the normal lunch hours. From there, they had taken a stroll through Central Park, where Shuichi had found the seldom ice-covered lake. New York had been gripped by a below-average, cold winter, and The Lake had frozen over enough to allow safe ice-skating. It seemed like half of Manhattan was also there, experiencing the rare event.

Yuki was sceptical about taking Shuichi out on the ice; the clumsy vocalist was sure to fall on his backside, or somehow slice his own fingers off. By the time Yuki had mused over his doubts, Shuichi had expertly laced up his hired boots, and was waving to him from the ice, "Come on, Eiri, hurry up!"

Yuki had to quickly get his boots on, an attendant checking them over for him, in order to catch up to Shuichi before he hurt himself. He slid out onto the ice, taking a couple of strides to get his balance right, and went out in search of his lover. He was drawn over to a small crowd by the bridge. Fearing the worst, he skated over, imagining an injured Shuichi sprawled out over the ice. He slipped through the crowd and under the bridge to find that the crowd was indeed caused by Shuichi, but for a different reason.

Yuki was amazed as he watched Shuichi gliding across the ice with ease, performing short spins and even a double twist.

Shuichi drew out of his on-the-spot routine, and skated over to the applauding crowd, coming to an expert stop in front of his surprised lover. "What?" he asked.

Shuichi took Yuki's hand and led the novelist out to the ice, the crowd dispersing and going back to their own skating fun.

Yuki allowed Shuichi to pull him along. "I did not know you could skate," he mused.

Shuichi smirked, "Oh? Too uncoordinated, right?"

Yuki returned the smirk, "Something like that."

Shuichi slid in front of Yuki, turning backwards, and taking Yuki's other hand in his, "My cousin is a skater; she taught me," he explained.

Yuki stuck with the basic staking he knew, while Shuichi darted around him, spinning and adding some small jumps. By the time Shuichi had had his fun, the natural light was fading, the hidden sun making its way towards the horizon, and the number of other skaters had diminished to a small handful. The temperature was also starting to drop with the lessening daylight.

Shuichi skated around Yuki, and Yuki took his opportunity to grab Shuichi's wrist, pulling the vocalist against him. Shuichi gave a cry as Yuki yanked him off balance. Yuki wrapped his arms around his flailing lover, pulling Shuichi against him.

Shuichi leaned back against Yuki, one hand gripping Yuki's arm, the other clawed on the back of Yuki's hip. His feet were sprawled in different directions. Shuichi turned his head to look at his lover, too confused for words.

Yuki smirked darkly, "See, I knew you were too uncoordinated for something like this, Shuichi."

Shuichi's eyebrow rose dramatically, "Say what now?" he exclaimed, having picked up the English phrase here in New York.

Yuki chuckled and unwrapped his right arm from around Shuichi's waist, placing his hand on Shuichi's cheek and guiding his lover into a kiss. Several minutes later, Shuichi still leaned against Yuki, enjoying his lover's playfulness, but had crossed his arms in front of him. Shuichi pulled out of Yuki's arms and turned to face him, "Uncoordinated? I will give you uncoordinated," he said determinedly.

Shuichi grabbed the scarf tucked around Yuki's neck and pulled it. The scarf pulled free from Yuki's body, however, not without spinning the author around with it. Shuichi skated away, giggling triumphantly and waving the scarf around in the air like a ribbon.

Yuki's arms flailed about him as he regained his balance, thankfully without falling and landing on his backside ungracefully on the cold ice. He glared hotly at his spinning lover, skating away to himself on the opposite side of their arm of the lake where they were skating. Yuki took up the challenge and skated after his lithe lover.

Shuichi performed a small turn and grinned at his lover coming straight for him. Shuichi giggled and was about to dart away from the lake's edge when his skate got caught in a deep groove in the ice made by another skater. Two seconds later, Shuichi found himself sailing to the snow-covered ground on the bank of the lake, strong arms wrapped around his torso.

Yuki and Shuichi crashed into the soft snow, a mass of tangled limbs, Yuki's scarf settling across them. Shuichi sat up and looked down at Yuki, his messed up hair framed by white snow. Yuki's golden eyes looked up at Shuichi, "Caught you, brat," he stated.

Shuichi's laughter bubbled out of him. His laughter was cut off when a snowflake floated passed his vision. He followed the snowflake until it landed on Yuki's nose. Shuichi leaned down and kissed the snowflake, and he turned his gaze up to meet his lover's. Shuichi pressed his lips to Yuki's, the novelist responding by placing his gloved hand to the back of Shuichi's head and pulling him closer.

Their kiss was interrupted by the clearing of a throat.

Shuichi pulled away, and Yuki sat up to find one of the attendants standing before them on the ice, slightly embarrassed at interrupting the tender moment. "Sorry to…ah…interrupt, but we are closing the hire stall in a few minutes, and will need those skates back."

Shuichi looked at Yuki, who translated what the attendant had said to them. Shuichi nodded and turned to the attendant, "Okay, thank you," he said in accented English.

The attendant nodded and skated away.

Shuichi turned back to his lover, placing Yuki's scarf around his neck and pulled Yuki to him. "One more minute will not hurt," he said, capturing Yuki's lips again, Yuki smirking as he returned the kiss.

The minute passed and Shuichi pulled out of the kiss.

"Are you ready to go back to the hotel room," Yuki asked Shuichi.

Shuichi nodded, "Very."

Yuki smiled and stood, offering his hand to Shuichi.

Shuichi grinned up at the man he loved, adored, worshipped even, and let Yuki lead him on to the rest of their lives.

* * *

T.T It is finished! T.T

Well…until I start posting the next instalment…and my track record says 'Don't ask when that will be'. I am writing not a sequel…more like a spinoff, if you will, staring our favourite Gravitation cast, but centring on another relationship. This epilogue will allow this new fic to flow into my Gravi-world. Look forward to it…eventually…

I would love to know how you have all felt about this insight into Shuichi and Yuki's life.

Love to you all

KittenCeez!

xxxMeowxxx


End file.
